Paint Brush

In my life there are so many things changing, not in just my surroundings but in myself. One thing that has never changed is how much I love this poem. This poem was given to me when I was in the 9^th grade by someone very special and I never truly understood it, but every time I read it, I think I realize something new about the poem and myself. Recently I had a friend/co-worker tell me that this poem reminded him of me, despite what some may say I think this friend has a very interesting insight to things. Anyways, point is; read the poem and take what you will from it. I hope it reaches you or someone close to you as it has me. I think we all have our own paintbrush and I am still trying to figure out who I can stop using mine with ;)

Paint Brush

Author: Unknown

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do – that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too

Whale or Mermaid

I had a good friend forward this to me and I thought it was important to include it on my blog. Enjoy!

Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Wanting more...

There are some people, most people, or just sayings that say when you think about what you should want from life, what you need in life is only shelter, food and love/happiness/money. The reason that I put the last section with slashes is because the first 2 hardly ever change, but the last one is always changing depending on how the person looks at things. Some believe that if you have money you will be happy and will find love, others believe that is love that makes you happy and money is just a nice bonus and something that gets you the shelter and food. There are many variations of this thinking but shelter and food should be the most important because that truly is what you need to survive.
However, I have noticed that people always want more, I won't say all people because of course I don't know everyone in the world. I can speak from experience of my own and from conversations with others as well as watching others. I am a huge behavior person and having a little experience in psychology gives me a bit of an example to be able to analyze a persons behavior and body language in a different way then some people. What I have noticed is that there is always something that someone wants more...the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" theory.
I find a lot of people only admit or believe that what most people want is someone else's money status/bank account. However, if you really listen and watch people what they want of someone elses can be so much more. I have watched and listened to people admire another person's body (the most common these days), looks, personality, bank account, style and so much more. I often wonder why we don't look into ourselves and see what we have that the other person doesn't. I believe that every person is better than another...because each person has something that they are better at then the other person. Whether this may be a negative trait or a positive trait, it is there, someone is always going to be better than you at something, and you will always be better at someone else than that person is. This is why we are human and how we learn...we teach one another ways to be or not be.
Looking at myself I will only admit one item that I am jealous of other people, of course there are more :). I find myself consistently wanting another woman's clothing or shoes or purses...for some reason it is all about the fashion and appearance for me. I found myself today asking the question of why does this even matter to me? Some of it I think is a professional thing, at work I want to appear more professional and like in the movie of Picture Perfect "I want to dress for the job I want." I don't want to appear as a boring, meaningless, secretary (which is what most think my position is), I want to appear more professional and as an "assisstant" because that is what I do right now and someday I am looking at doing something more. However, in my personal outside of work life, I am not sure what my worry is. Who am I trying to impress? Myself? Matt's family? Friends? People have no idea who I am, where I come from or what I believe? Why does it matter?
Is it possible that this is something that we learn as we grow older? That is my real question. Is it something that our parents teach us by the way they live their lives and by the things they tell us we can or cannot have because of money? Or is it something that we learn by being in school and around peers where there is always a taunting of "what I have is better than yours or you"? I am starting to think of it as a little of both. We didn't have a lot of money growing up so I didn't get to hang out with the "cool" crowd. I didn't have the right jeans or the right look to be good enough to hang out with them, then when I would come home and ask my mom for an $80 pair of jeans she would ask "are you out of your mind?! do you think money grows on trees? we don't have the money for that." Then at an early age we start the whole "when I get older..." thinking. So that is when I started thinking "when I get older I am going to buy the cool clothes and wear what I want." Is that what brought me to where I am right now? Watching all the cool kids wearing the best clothes, driving the best cars, having millions of "friends" and thinking...someday that could be me or if I had money that could be me now.
However, looking back to my senior year things changed. I started to care and not care. I talked to the kids that were cool regardless of what I was wearing. Eventually I went to parties with them and said hi to them in the hallway. Nothing really changed...oh wait, yes it did. I got a job, I was able to buy the Silver Jeans that all the girls were wearing and I felt better about who I was. For some reason those jeans gave me the confidence to say hi and think that I didn't care what they thought about my clothes anymore.
That is just a small story that has brought me to today, why am I still wanting all the clothes and shoes that I think will make me better. Why do I want the body of the air-brushed model in the magazine when I have someone who loves me for me? Why do I want the perfect dog with no issues when my dogs are amazing and have had a hard life and I am giving them something better? There are so many more questions and yet with all of my analytical thinking and realizing that I truly do have everything I need...why do I still want more out of so many areas in my life?

Random Update

Well Matt and I have found a house to move to! It is great! It is in a good location where we are kind of centralized here in Denver. We will be right next to the interstate which makes things a lot easier and it is half way between my work and his work. Plus, the best part of the house is the backyard! I cannot believe we are finally going to have a backyard for the dogs! It is really big and it even has a little zen garden in the back I guess. It also has 3 beds, 2 living spaces, washer and dryer and a garage. The landlady is very laid back and cool, she even helps to partially furnish the house and it is with nice furniture. We are very excited and cannot wait.
I love to know that in the mornings I can just open the back door to let the dogs out and not have to worry about getting them leashed up and heading out down 3 flights of stairs and walking around with them. It is going to be so much better for them to have that space, plus there is already a doggy door, I am hoping that this is going to help out with some of their anxiety issues, more exercise is definitely something they need.
Well, we will be moving in the first or second of February and we have decided to suck up the cost and hire movers. We are going to pack it all but we want someone else to move it. The trip and process will be so much less stressful. Matt and I have opposite days off and weighing in the option of renting the truck and then Matt and his cousin moving all the big stuff...it is just so worth it to hire movers.
We are hoping to stay at this house until it is time to buy. And hopefully never go back to another apartment again! That is about it on the moving update, I will send my address out soon to those that want it.

Dog drama...again

Once again I find myself writing a blog about the struggles we have with a dog. It is frustrating and heart-breaking to know that we once again are having to write about problems, it makes me feel like a bad parent or person.

As most know we adopted another dog, Rocky, about 4 months ago. We have had a lot of struggles since we got him, but the last month has been the worst. For some reason he has decided to take up peeing in the house at random times. I think with me he pees because I may not be paying attention to him as much as he would like. I don't ignore him, but he has a very strong bond with me and follows me every where I go in the apt. When I pet Apollo or am doing something he pees. With Matt I think he is scared of him. Every time Matt tries to pet him or talk to him he pees. No matter what you do he won't stop. Although we are searching for help in yet another behaviorist, it is getting to be too frustrating on myself and Matt. I understand Rocky has anxiety but at the same time I don't know if we are ready to deal with another behavioral problem, especially one that ruins carpet and walls and clothing and whatever else you can throw in there. There have been many times during this week that I have wished we never got him and have really considered talking to the agency and seeing if they would take him back. I feel horrible for thinking about it, but I can't help myself. No matter what we do it never gets better. I just don't understand why our dogs can't be some-what "normal."

Right now Matt and I have so much going on and trying to deal with Rocky in the ways that we have learned with Apollo doesn't work. I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do.