Doggy Daycare!!!

Friday was a very big day for both Apollo and myself! It was his first day at doggy daycare!!

Both Matt and I had to work on Friday but I also had class until 9 and Matt works until 8 so we decided to take Apollo to a doggy daycare on Friday morning for the day so he could be EXAUSTED that night.

I took him there bright and early...it's called Digstown. The first day is always free for every dog so we didn't even have to pay for it. I felt like I was dropping my child off on the first day of day care...I know I am a sap and a wierdo. They came out, put the leash around his head and they took off down the hallway and around the corner, Apollo never even noticed I wasn't there :( I was a little saddened but so excited for him, I even tried calling during the day to check in but no one answered.

I left work and drove straight to Digstown, they called Apollo up to the front and the minute he saw me he ran to me with his tail wagging! I wish I had a camera to take a picture, he was so cute. He was giving kisses and rubbing all over me...and as dirty as he was I didn't even care... I was just so excited to see him and hear that he had a good time. He was marked as being great with both humans and dogs.

On the way home he slumped over and leaned against the door in the back seat and immediately layed down when we got home. He was exausted all through Saturday. I think we will be taking him back very soon...

Continuing happiness

This weekend after class on Saturday there was a big get together at Shawn and Raul's house (Matt's Cousins) for Matt's Aunt Ev being in town. I was so lucky to have gotten done with class earlier than expected and was able to spend an amazing time with his family.


There was food, volleyball, laughter and even some karaoke and dancing on the lawn. I can't think of a single time that I have not had fun with this family. They truly are amazing and I love spending time with them. I also love that they consider me family and I am finally letting go of my insecurities and beginning to call them my family also.















I have not forgotten my family and I have not replaced my family, I have just gained more family. I hate not being able to see my Dad and not being able to meet his new wife yet, I miss my Uncle Jeff and my cousins and I even miss my Grandma, she may be a little crazy at times but I still love her. I wish I was able to see and talk to all of them more than I do but I am trying to get better at making the time to keep in contact. I think if I would have realized all that I know now, I would have made the time more special when I was with them. But now I know that when I see them again, I will definitely make the time memorable!


Well, back to Saturday, there isn't much to say but I just wanted to put down what a good time I had. For a while I have tried to hide the fact that I have a good time and love Matt's family, because I was afraid of hurting one person. Although that person is important, I can no longer hide my happiness, it isn't right. I looked around on Saturday night and saw all the friendly laughing faces, and then I realized I was laughing too and didn't want to leave. I don't think I could ask for a better expansion to my family...and I hope that someday soon they will meet the members of my family that mean the world to me. So...on Saturday I ate, talked, laughed, took pictures and even wrestled with the kids, and although all of it was such a good time, my favorite part was when Amelio fell asleep in my lap.

Happiness

I have just gotten home from therapy and from therapy I have been able to admit the following:

I am happy!

I have an amazing boyfriend who's family is amazing and accepts me for who I am and as part of their family.

I also have some pretty amazing family of my own. Most of them are happy for me and only want what is best for me and what makes me happy.

I understand that by admitting I am happy in where I am in life, who I spend my time with, and who I decide to call my family...I may be hurting someone, but unfortunately, my happiness is more important to me. They should be happy for me too and if they are not then I must remember this:

I cannot change them I can only change my reactions.

I hope that these are words I will be able to live by and I hope that I continue to stay happy. I also hope that the rest of my family that is happy for me will stand beside me when I make the decisions that I do.

Thank you to those who are happy for me and to those I call family.

Frustrations

I originally thought that I was going to start my internship this semester, in October. However, as things went on the placement I had set-up was starting to feel un-easy. Something didn't feel right to me so I listened to my gut and pushed everything back until January.
One of the reasons that I did that was because one of the places I wanted to work for was not taking interns until January. I had really wanted to intern at this location because it worked with chronically mentally ill individuals. Their main clientele consisted of individuals suffering from the following disorders: Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar, Borderline, Major Depression, Eating Disorders and Substance Abuse and a few others. I really thought that this place would give me the exposure I need to discover if that is the clientele I can handle working with. I called and set up an interview for this last Monday, yesterday I received the call that said I did not get the position. They chose the other girl because she had more experience with this clientele.
I was very disappointed and frustrated. This is the first time that I have ever not gotten something after an interview has been done. I know that could sound egotistical but it is the truth. That also means that for the first time I am really having to deal with the rejection of a job that I really wanted. The interview went so well and I really thought I was going to get it, but unfortunately experience always wins out in the end.
That is so frustrating! How can I gain the experience if I am not allowed to have the opportunity to gain the experience? I know there is more out there and that in the end this just means this was not the right place for me. I am trying hard to believe what I normally do - that everything happens for a reason. In practicum they tell us that you will get the client that you need, and I did. Now I just have to believe that I will get the internship that I need and I will. I know that I'll eventually find something, it has just been so frustrating. Also knowing that almost everyone I started the program with is graduating before the end of this year or have already graduated is hard too. I feel like I am behind even though I know that I am not. I chose to take this slow course and in many ways I am glad that I did, but sometimes I still feel like others are looking down on me for not being done sooner.
Anyways, to try and end on a better note, I know that I will find something and I am really thinking hard about what places to intern at. I want to push myself and be open to everything because that is how I will get the best experience. I just have to be patient.

A step back...

Do you ever take a moment to look at your life and how far you have come? Just step back, like an out of body experience, and see where you are standing today and reflect back on how far you have come? I sometimes feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis or something...I have been more reflective these days and I am not sure why. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is easy but it is all such an interesting feeling and experience.

I recently have needed to take the time to sit and reflect on how far I have come, in all the areas in my life. It's interesting because I also find myself watching other people, in a different light, and realizing that they too have come so far but they are so caught up in the everyday effects of life that they often forget who they are and how they got to be where they are today. Of course, I forget to but it's watching others that help me realize I need to remember how far I have come.

I watch a person who everyday chooses to ignore the experiences of their life. They want to keep it all inside and never let it out, never talk about it. They are hindering important relationships in their lives because of how they feel and how they have been hurt. Of course I understand the holding back and hiding, but I also have a strong opinion that it always helps to put it out there...even to just one person. I love therapy for many reasons and I think this person could benefit from a non-biased opinion. They told me that they wish they could but they don't want to know. There are many reasons that this can be for which I understand, but everyday it helps me to remember that I am learning to let things go and remember that all the bad experiences in my life, made me who I am today. All the heartaches, break-ups, deaths, friendships lost and more has made me stronger. I am also choosing to work through the hardest losses in my life and come out on the end a stronger person. I am willing to look inside myself, even to the bad stuff, the flaws, and realize that this is who I am and I can change it, accept it or I can choose to ignore it. I choose the first two.

I have come a long way through out the years, and sometimes I feel like I have moved mountains with in myself in the time that I have lived in Colorado. Moving here was the best decision I could have ever made, it has made me realize so much about myself and life and it has brought me amazing opportunities - it also brought me to Matt. We are coming up on 2 years together and I am amazingly happy with him. For once I didn't let the opinions of others affect me, I worked through it instead...with Matt. He is 5 years younger than me, and although people think it matters, does it really? No. When I am 50 and he is 45 no one will say anything, but because we are under 30 everyone has an opinion. Well I say screw it, I am happy and that is all that matters. That thought has always stuck with me as something my Uncle Jeff said to me. In all the boys I dated, no matter what he may have thought, he always told me "If your happy, that's all that matters." I am so thankful he said that to me, because you always here it from movies, books, magazines, etc. But when it comes from family it means more, and no one will ever know why but my therapist and Matt but when it came from my Uncle Jeff, it meant the world, it changed something for me. So anyway, what I am getting at is that I have never been more happy with anyone in my life than with Matt. And, as I have said before, I am still getting used to his family, but I still love them too. They welcomed me and treated me like family from the beginning, it is an amazing feeling.

In reflection of the title of this blog "a step back..." I focus a lot on Matt and our relationship because it has kept me strong and helped me realize that no matter what happens I am going to be okay. In taking a step back and looking at my life I look at the move I made and the choice to stay when I could have left. For me, staying was the best decision. When stepping back and looking at friends, I know who will always be there, who has always been there and who I can trust and why. Friends are difficult, they might be the hardest relationships sometimes, especially if your guarded like I am. It's difficult to know who you can trust...especially when you leave. It's amazing how many "close" friends I have to stalk on facebook just to see what their life is like...they may be considering moving to the Cities, they may have lost someone or be having a baby or buying a house. How would I ever know? No one ever calls or texts just to say hi, guess what happened with me? I've left and am slowly being forgotten by most. I'm off on another tangent, so I'll stop by saying, it still hurts but I am moving past it. Part of my new "letting go" attitude. I also will almost be done with school... I will have the following initials behind my name: BS, MS, NCC. My bachelors, masters and my licensure to practice therapy in any state. I also know that I have amazing opportunities coming up because I am a hard worker and a fast learner, I am dedicated to my job and the people in my job. I know amazing people who accept me and want me around and that is an amazing feeling at a place of employment.

So, as this blog is getting too long I must plant one seed for whoever reads this. Stop right now and often and step back from where you are standing. Look at who you are and what you have become. No one is perfect and we all have flaws, but be willing to look at them in a different light and also realize what may seem like a flaw to you may be amazing to someone else. We are always going to want more in life, it is just in the human nature, but we must also take the time to stop and realize how many great things we have now and what we have overcome. Just take one step back...for one small moment in time and really look at where you are.