Do you ever take a moment to look at your life and how far you have come? Just step back, like an out of body experience, and see where you are standing today and reflect back on how far you have come? I sometimes feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis or something...I have been more reflective these days and I am not sure why. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is easy but it is all such an interesting feeling and experience.
I recently have needed to take the time to sit and reflect on how far I have come, in all the areas in my life. It's interesting because I also find myself watching other people, in a different light, and realizing that they too have come so far but they are so caught up in the everyday effects of life that they often forget who they are and how they got to be where they are today. Of course, I forget to but it's watching others that help me realize I need to remember how far I have come.
I watch a person who everyday chooses to ignore the experiences of their life. They want to keep it all inside and never let it out, never talk about it. They are hindering important relationships in their lives because of how they feel and how they have been hurt. Of course I understand the holding back and hiding, but I also have a strong opinion that it always helps to put it out there...even to just one person. I love therapy for many reasons and I think this person could benefit from a non-biased opinion. They told me that they wish they could but they don't want to know. There are many reasons that this can be for which I understand, but everyday it helps me to remember that I am learning to let things go and remember that all the bad experiences in my life, made me who I am today. All the heartaches, break-ups, deaths, friendships lost and more has made me stronger. I am also choosing to work through the hardest losses in my life and come out on the end a stronger person. I am willing to look inside myself, even to the bad stuff, the flaws, and realize that this is who I am and I can change it, accept it or I can choose to ignore it. I choose the first two.
I have come a long way through out the years, and sometimes I feel like I have moved mountains with in myself in the time that I have lived in Colorado. Moving here was the best decision I could have ever made, it has made me realize so much about myself and life and it has brought me amazing opportunities - it also brought me to Matt. We are coming up on 2 years together and I am amazingly happy with him. For once I didn't let the opinions of others affect me, I worked through it instead...with Matt. He is 5 years younger than me, and although people think it matters, does it really? No. When I am 50 and he is 45 no one will say anything, but because we are under 30 everyone has an opinion. Well I say screw it, I am happy and that is all that matters. That thought has always stuck with me as something my Uncle Jeff said to me. In all the boys I dated, no matter what he may have thought, he always told me "If your happy, that's all that matters." I am so thankful he said that to me, because you always here it from movies, books, magazines, etc. But when it comes from family it means more, and no one will ever know why but my therapist and Matt but when it came from my Uncle Jeff, it meant the world, it changed something for me. So anyway, what I am getting at is that I have never been more happy with anyone in my life than with Matt. And, as I have said before, I am still getting used to his family, but I still love them too. They welcomed me and treated me like family from the beginning, it is an amazing feeling.
In reflection of the title of this blog "a step back..." I focus a lot on Matt and our relationship because it has kept me strong and helped me realize that no matter what happens I am going to be okay. In taking a step back and looking at my life I look at the move I made and the choice to stay when I could have left. For me, staying was the best decision. When stepping back and looking at friends, I know who will always be there, who has always been there and who I can trust and why. Friends are difficult, they might be the hardest relationships sometimes, especially if your guarded like I am. It's difficult to know who you can trust...especially when you leave. It's amazing how many "close" friends I have to stalk on facebook just to see what their life is like...they may be considering moving to the Cities, they may have lost someone or be having a baby or buying a house. How would I ever know? No one ever calls or texts just to say hi, guess what happened with me? I've left and am slowly being forgotten by most. I'm off on another tangent, so I'll stop by saying, it still hurts but I am moving past it. Part of my new "letting go" attitude. I also will almost be done with school... I will have the following initials behind my name: BS, MS, NCC. My bachelors, masters and my licensure to practice therapy in any state. I also know that I have amazing opportunities coming up because I am a hard worker and a fast learner, I am dedicated to my job and the people in my job. I know amazing people who accept me and want me around and that is an amazing feeling at a place of employment.
So, as this blog is getting too long I must plant one seed for whoever reads this. Stop right now and often and step back from where you are standing. Look at who you are and what you have become. No one is perfect and we all have flaws, but be willing to look at them in a different light and also realize what may seem like a flaw to you may be amazing to someone else. We are always going to want more in life, it is just in the human nature, but we must also take the time to stop and realize how many great things we have now and what we have overcome. Just take one step back...for one small moment in time and really look at where you are.
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