Family updates

At the beginning of December Matt and I flew to Vegas to meet up with my Dad, Step-Mom, my Aunt Jane, Aunt Kay and Uncle Robert. I had yet to meet my Step-Mom Lynn, Kay or Robert and Matt had yet to meet any of them. I had also never been to Vegas before and Matt had never been there since he turned 21. Due to the conference in Arizona the following Monday we had to cut our trip short and were only able to stay Wednesday - Sunday. The first night in town Matt and I stayed at Planet Hollywood, it was amazing! During the day we had a view of some mountains and the hotel room itself was amazing and decked out in Muhammad Ali stuff.

The rest of the time we stayed with family in a condo. Vegas was great...a little stressful with so many people wanting to do so many different things, but it was great to be able to meet everyone and just hang out. Although I had met Jane when I first met my Dad 8 years ago, we had kind of lost touch so it was great to be able to hang out and really get to know each other. She handled my bitchy sarcastic side very well ;).

 I want to do my best to be able to stay in touch with my family and start chatting with my family members that I haven't met yet, like Kay and Rob's kids (my cousins). I have yet to meet them or really talk to them and it would be nice to extend my family some more. I have re-connected with my cousins Josh and Jared, which are Jane's boys, on facebook but I still have a lot of catching up to do. It's been hard trying to stay in touch and adjust to having family members that you didn't have before. But I love it, I love all of them! Of course it was great to see my Dad again as well, we haven't seen each other in 3 years. And I finally got to meet his wife Lynn who was so sweet...even if she did say that the picture of us looks like coffee and milk because I am SO white! :)

So Vegas was great and I am so grateful I was given that time to spend with them and I hope to do it again in the near future!

There is one other piece of news that I am very excited about. During Christmas Jen (Matt's Sister) asked Matt and I to be Emilio's Godparents! Of course we said yes! It is an amazing honor to be asked that and I can't believe she asked us. We are not sure when it will all happen but we know it will be sometime next year. So many things are going to be happening next year, I can't wait!

The last few months...

So again I have failed to keep up with this blog. I enjoy being able to write and share the things that are going on in my life...whether people choose to read them or not. However, with my job and life in general things have gotten a little crazy.

Work Update...
I have been working about 40+ hours a week and have been doing double duty over the last couple months. My position has expanded a lot since I began almost 3 years ago, but in the last 4 months I would say things have really started to speed up. It's good because it keeps me busy but it can also be stressful sometimes. However, I am really excited to see what will happen in the next 3-6 months. We are working on doing some amazing things in our lab and I am really excited to be a part of it all.
This month I was given an amazing opportunity to attend a conference held by Mayo Clinic in Arizona. I went to 2 different sessions and I learned a lot. There was a lot I didn't know, but I came back with some really good ideas, a better understanding and A LOT of questions. I think it was really good for me to attend the conference and understand what outreach laboratories are really doing. I am so thankful that I was given that amazing opportunity to go there and meet people and learn all that I did.

Life Update...
Although work keeps me busy there isn't too much happening in my personal world ;). Matt right now is doing a new job for Dish Network so he was able to get off the phones, which is great! However, I only get to see him Friday - Sunday morning. His new shift is Sunday - Thursday 3p - 11:30p; which sucks but I think this is a really great opportunity for him. Plus, with the way Dish Network is, this shift should only last another month before they decide to do a shift bid and hopefully he'll get a better shift so I can see him more.

When I went to Arizona I went alone, Matt had to say in Denver which marked the longest time that we had been away from each other since we started dating. I know it sounds corny but we do everything together and I love that about us. He really is my best friend.
I have actually heard people say that they can't wait to get away from their husbands, or that they take extra vacation days somewhere when finding out their husbands can't go. I hope I never turn in to one of those women. In 3 years of being together we are learning more and more about each other all the time; I am so lucky to have him in my life.

                                                                      (this is an old picture from when we first started dating)

Dog update...

Dogs are doing well...Rocky is now a free-roam dog in the house. Matt came home a couple weeks ago to Apollo waiting anxiously at the door (which is normal, we don't kennel him) and then all of a sudden there appeared Rocky behind him (who we did kennel). Yep, Apollo busted him out of the kennel...literally. Matt found the gate door to the kennel laying on the ground with the lock busted from the outside...darn dogs. But, besides a pair of shoes, Rocky has done amazingly well keeping himself under control.
Our dogs have come a long way...both of them. We had some pretty bumpy starts to the beginning of our lives with both of them, but for the most part we have worked it all out. It took some drugs (for them) and a lot of patience (for us) but they are good boys. They may not be kids but they sure are a lot of work sometimes, and they have taught Matt and I so much.

That's really about it...I am going to add another one about family because there is a lot of updates for our family. There isn't much else going on here right now, but I think that 2011 is going to be a great year!

Lessons Learned

As my previous post has mentioned, I have learned a lot so far this year and am still learning a lot.

As my internship came to a close a lot of things have happened in life:
I 'graduated' from school. I now am considered a person with a Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health in Counseling. Am I really done with school? No classes, no papers, no internship.
I was offered a job doing what I thought I always wanted to do and where I thought I wanted to be. I struggled over that decision and what would happen with working at Children's and in the end, after getting all the facts, I turned down the job and have no regrets and remain at Children's.
There are some amazing things happening at Children's Hospital with our laboratory and with myself. Although it is taking some time, I know what the end result will be and am excited and scared.
I have learned a lot about family and accepting those in family that you weren't able to accept before. Although I still get hurt, I remind myself that they are who they are and I will never change that, so all I can do is accept it. I also learned how much I love being apart of a big family and having people around me that I love and love me back. They think of me and ask how I am doing, if I passed an exam that was important - and remember that I took it.
Matt and I have been talking about wedding stuff, and although it is still a ways away...it makes me feel good about being with him, where we are and being apart of his family someday. That doesn't mean I love my family less, it just means I have found more, a lot more ;), family to love and I know they are always there for us.
I've always had a sense of humor...sometimes a little bit of a cynical one, but I have now learned more than ever how important humor and laughter are. Without them, my life would be sad and dark, but with them I have love and I appreciate things and I can learn how to better accept things.
I have learned a lot about people...I've learned it is okay to say and accept that I don't like everyone and I don't need to. I also don't need to hide to others that I don't like that person, life is too short to be fake. If I work with someone I don't like and I can admit it, I can come to work and still do my job and have good communication with that person because I don't have some hidden emotion hiding that. Not every one in the world is going to like everyone, and if that other person is someone who constantly lies, belittles people and believes they are better than everyone then I don't need to like them. I do however need to respect them in the fact that they are a person and they have a job to do. Recently...I have found this exact paragraph and sayings have helped me so much.
I learned I HATE lying...I hate when people lie to me, I hate it even more when I show facts of how someone has lied and they continue to lie. Don't lie to me...I lose respect for you. But in that same token, don't hate me for telling the truth.
I have learned that people don't like honesty, I tell the truth and I am who I am. I stand by me and my decisions. I am not perfect and I am okay with that. I have flaws and some of them I am working on and others I am not and I am okay with that too, if you don't like it...not my problem, that's yours.
Along with a few things above, I have learned that I cannot change a person, their thoughts or their actions, all I can do is change my reaction and myself. I may not always do this, but I do believe it and try to practice it.
I have learned how much punctuality is important to me. When you have a job that starts at 8, that means you are at your desk and ready to work at 8. Not 8:10 or 8:20 - 8:00! Unless you work for yourself and you have no co-workers than it doesn't matter does it. When you work with a team and you work for someone, you show up on time because that is your job and it is your job to be there for your team. In my world when you show up late you are being disrespectful to your supervisor, your co-workers, your job and yourself...to me it means you don't care enough to find a way to get there on time. I also recognize that not every day will people be on time...traffic, kids, alarms not going off, etc. However, that is every once in a while...when it becomes every day that you are late and most days it is by almost a half hour; there is a problem. If you want to be a leader and you want to show that you are there to do your job, you show up on time. This lesson was ingrained in my head when I worked at Rudy's...I will forever live by the phrase: "Early is on time, On time is late, and Late is UNACCEPTABLE."

In the end of all this I have learned a lot, a lot I didn't put here, but I have learned the most about myself and my reactions and emotions. I am trying very hard to change how I react to people and things and remember that everything is on me. I can only change myself, my reactions and my emotions, I cannot change the other persons. I often remember the serenity prayer during hard times and for a laugh...I remember the song "Pray for You" by Jaron and The Long Road to Love.

The Final Chapter of My Internship

On August 18th I met with my girls for their final sessions. It was a bittersweet moment all of August knowing that it was coming. The one girl that I had made amazing connections with was the hardest one to say goodbye to and she took it pretty hard herself. In the beginning of August I actually didn't get to say goodbye or do a final session, I knew it was our final session but she didn't. She ended up having to go to court the next day for some assault charges to staff members and a peer and she was going to be arrested and taken back to California to be put back in a jail or prison facility. She was a very sweet girl and I enjoyed working with her; she had a pretty rough past that left her believing violence was the answer...to everything. Actually in June another girl I was meeting with ended up getting transferred to another facility as well due to her not making any significant progress.

Throughout my internship I saw a total of 6 girls full time and about 4 or 5 other on occasion by request. 1 graduated, 1 was transferred to another residential facility and 1 was arrested and taken back to CA. In the end I think only 1 really truly cared that I was leaving and our sessions would no longer continue...and I'm okay with that. I learned that I won't make a difference in every one's life, but I can make a difference in 1 person's life and that is all that matters. During some of our final sessions she said to me, "I wake up every Wednesday and Friday morning so excited and thinking 'Today I get to see Amber,' and now I will have to wake up those mornings and say 'What would Amber want me to do?' Those words meant the world to me, because I know not every day she will make the right decisions, but I know that there is a small chance that on a day she does make great decisions it is because of something I have said or done. This girl ended up having a really hard time with me leaving and reverted back to some old ways of handling stress - self harm, acting out, threatening suicide. We tried to work through these things while I was there but it was still really hard.

It is so hard to know that I may never see any of these girls again, never know how their lives turn out and may always wonder if I made any impact. In the end I know this is how it is and that is part of this career path that overtime I will learn to adjust to, but it's the one part I never even considered until I was doing it. I was also sad about leaving the people that I worked with, I saw amazing people every day I was there and sometimes I thought they had more strength than I did because they were the ones dealing with it day in and day out; but they also though I had more strength because I sat in the room listening to the stories of their life. I will never forget those stories, they changed me forever. I will never forget the feelings and emotions I experienced while sitting in those rooms hearing the stories and leaving the rooms not knowing what to do with those stories. I think those were some of the hardest moments of my life because I was so overcome with emotions that I didn't know how to handle it...but in the end I did.

I came out of this internship realizing even more that you have to have humor, laughter and trust in those around you and mostly in yourself. I went into this internship believing that you had to be so serious and straight because of the stories, the people and the situations. I thought using humor in the beginning was not right...but I slowly learned it is the best way to deal with things. If I hadn't started using humor I would have gone into a deep depression or been admitted myself. Once I started using humor and learning to laugh it made things so much easier and I became more comfortable in myself and my surroundings. I can't explain the humor I am talking about in a blog, but I can assure you the humor was never directed at the person or their stories and I can also assure you that you may never know what I mean until you are there. I also think this lesson applies to so many ways in life though, if you can't make a joke or find the humor in things around you, you may live your life in utter disappointment and sadness. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh at things others say...don't be so serious all the time. When things make you mad in life learn to laugh about it or the person doing it to you, to some that may sound mean and hurtful, but the point is to find the brighter side and laugh about it because in the end you can't change it you can just change your reactions.

On my final meeting with my supervisor he told me that I was able to take a girl who was possibly one of the most non-functioning girls on campus and have her name me as her main support in why she was doing better, and that I should be proud of myself. His words meant so much because I was constantly second guessing myself and not feeling confident. My supervisor was amazing and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was always there and put reality in front of my face. When I was at my worst, emotionally, and so lost he said to me, "It comes down to flight or fight - what do you want to do?" There was no question, I wanted to fight. I didn't want to leave the section I was interning at, I wanted to fight and say that I did it - I never wanted to give up. As my supervisor put it, I was working in one of the most difficult sections on campus, it was my choice - I could go to a different cottage or I could stay where I was. I chose stay and I am so glad I did. That was when I realized I don't give up and I won't give up, so now it was time for me to decide how I was going to change it and make things better for me.

I know this all sounds like a lot of mumble jumble, but this internship was the best experience of my life. I grew more in the 8 months I spent there than I have at any other point in my life, I grew in every way that is possible. I learned so much about myself and am so much more aware of myself and my emotions and why I am feeling them. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I still have so much to learn and experience, but as my supervisor agreed, after working with the population I did, in the setting I did, I can handle anything...I'm ready for anything.

Updates on School & Internship

It has been forever since I have written because life has been so crazy busy! I keep wanting to write and get everything out there but I sometimes feel like I just don't have the time or the energy. Anyway...below are some updates of what has been happening the last few months with my schooling and my internship.



School:
I am still in school...at the beginning of this internship I thought that I would be graduated in May, yea, not so much. Which in some ways I am actually happy about because I am allowed to stay longer at my internship place. I will be interning until about the end of August, I still have about 270 hours total to complete. During the month of May I had emailed my advisor to ask about when I needed to take comps, I assumed they would be in July since a graduation date in August was in the plans. Nope, about the 2nd to last week of May I received an email back stating that comps were June 5th! I had about 3 weeks notice and if I didn't take it on that date I would have to wait for October. Luckily they still had one open spot so I signed up for it, freaked out and then broke my studying skills out of hibernation. It was a rough 3 weeks trying to study every night and all weekend long...but the day finally came. I still don't know if I passed it or not, they had to SEND OUT our scan tron sheets!! I am still a little irritated. When I sat down and opened the test packet I wanted to run out screaming. Nothing looked familiar from what I had studied and I couldn't remember a thing! I have horrible test anxiety and this was no different. I just want the test results to come so I know how I did. I am still waiting....



Internship:
My skin has become incredibly thick which is so good for me, my clients and most importantly the people that I surround myself with on a daily basis. I was at a point for a while where the girls and their stories was all I could think about. It had become unhealthy where it was affecting my sleep, my dreams and my relationships. I have moved past that now and am so happy. I still think about the girls sometimes when I am not there and figure out how I can help and what I can do to better understand them; but it isn't taking over my life. I am happy and I love being there and working with the girls - even if all I am doing is planting a seed.

I sat in class and listened to another intern for the same facility ask, "whats the point?" She has been negative since the beginning of her internship and she has not taken the initiative to make her internship all that it can be. I told her that the point is to be a support and plant a seed. It doesn't matter if you don't change their life in one night - things don't work like that. The point is that for one day you stop them from wanting to harm themselves or kill themselves. You can be a support system and a role model they have never had before. I was once told that this career choice is the career with the least amount of thank yous. Your client will hardly ever say thank you for what you have done - because you haven't done anything. For the clients that change their lives and the ways they do things it is because of them, not the therapist. If they are ready for that change then all a therapist does is help them along the way. They validate and bring new thoughts and ideas to the client that they haven't had before. I truly believe that the client is the change not the therapist. I just hope that some day this girl in my class realizes it.

Anyway, back to the update :). In May I was given the opportunity to attend the graduation for my internship site - and one of the girls I have been working with was graduating. It was so nice to see that side of things and see that the girls can and do change. It was amazing to be at one of the biggest graduations they have ever had with 12 girls. It was kind of a weird feeling for me to know that one of the girls I have seen almost every week for 5 months was leaving and I would never see her again. It was the first time I had to go through the termination process and really say goodbye to someone. I hope that she really holds on to the things she learned and does well.

Another one of my girls is leaving today actually...she is getting placed at another facility because there hasn't been much change with her in 9months. I absolutely feel bad for her because she is not anywhere near a place where she is ready and willing to change. She has a hard time accepting her past and moving on. She chooses to say "my past is my past," but all it is is a phrase. She believes that if she continues saying it that it will come true and she'll have moved on. She doesn't like to talk much about the past and until she does she will never move on from it. Her past is hard and I know that in the beginning it is painful and hard to remember those things and share them but until she does it won't get any easier for her. I hope someday she is at a point where she wants to change and that someone is there to help her.

My other girls/clients have been on emotional roller coasters the last couple months and some days it is hard to go in there and do therapy because they can become so depressed. It's frustrating for not only them but for the therapist. You see the potential they have but it is so hard when they are that low to get them to see it too. However, I continue to go in and be there and hope that for at least one of them I am making a small change somewhere in their head. I have had amazing opportunities to talk to other girls on the campus as well just by being involved with group sessions and attending another cottages meeting. Every Wednesday the whole campus participates in a group sessions, I used to be in a Family Dynamics group and now I am apart of a group titled Survivors of Sexual Abuse. The group is amazing! They are there for each other, support one another, listen and participate. They are an amazing group of girls and I am so glad I chose this group to be apart of because it is such a change from my last one. I'm also apart of a group called K9 healers. It is amazing what having a dog in a session can do for people. It gives them that trust and unconditional love that they need, they are able to open up more. I love being apart of it.

Well, for my internship I think that covers a lot of it. Every day I learn something more and even though sometimes I can't wait for my internship to be over so my working hours go back to normal, I will miss it like CRAZY!!! I am so glad I went outside my box and took a chance.

Body image

I may have mentioned before that I have decided to start using my blog as more of an outlet as well as an update of my life. Why separate the two? When both deal with the every day out comings of who I am and who I am becoming.
Last weekend I mentioned I went to a conference and loved it. One of the sessions I attended was a discussion on girls and body image. During the session I found myself looking around the room worried that people were staring at my "roll" and while she was talking about all the crazy crash diets she went on, I started to think that those things might work for me. Of course it is crazy and I would never do anything like only eating a grapefruit for every meal and working out for 5 hours a day, but the thoughts of becoming smaller and looking like a "model" always enter my mind.
I have never mentioned anything about body image before because it is always said to me that I can't have body image issues because I am not obese or overweight. I struggle with those comments because there are women of every size and age that experience body image difficulties. These days even 5 year olds are expressing that something makes them fat or they need to go on a diet. There are many speculations and ideas of how this is happening, but all that matters is that it is happening and if their thoughts are continued to be ignored they may grow up with more severe body image issues.
The reason why I decided to bring this up is because if anyone comes across this I want them to know that a lot of women can and do have body image issues, and it is okay to accept that and talk about it to someone who will listen. Recently I have wanted to start exercising and eating better. A lot of reasons is to just be healthier and feel better about myself and who I am. I would like to have a healthy life, and the exercise can help me with some of my stress. However, when I mention this to others they sometimes assume that I have an eating disorder or will create one. Some even assume that I don't enjoy what I am doing. I find this unfair. Yes, I have some issues with my body, but my reasons are not the same as someone else.
I think it has to be accepted that a women of any size can have problems with their body...if we choose to ignore it or blow it off as a woman looking for compliments it only fuels the fire for those who are truly struggling and asking for help or just trying to talk about it out loud to process what is going on. Sometimes a person just needs validation that what they are feeling is true and okay. They need a safe place to go and I encourage people to find that safe place and that safe person.

Internship experience...once again

As the days go on in this internship I have noticed I have started to settle in. I have began to notice that the hard stuff doesn't bother me like it used to. I am not saying it isn't hard and emotional anymore, I'm just saying that it isn't effecting me emotionally like it used to. I think I am starting to handle things better and am able to focus on the more important things. However, yesterday when I went to therapy I started to realize a new effect it has had on me...
For the past few weeks I have started to become very jumpy and am very "alert" all the time. I have started to have dreams/nightmares about being robbed, shot, assaulted, etc. We have students at my job at TCH and they are sharing my office with me and every time I walk in the office and they are sitting there I get startled and sometimes scream. If someone touches my shoulder from behind or walks out from a corner I get startled. I never put it together but my therapist put it in perspective for me.
In my internship I am dealing with the darker side of life, and so that has started to make me scared and paranoid. I sometimes don't feel safe anymore and that is why. If I was dealing with being a career counselor or something I would feel full of hope and dreams (not that I don't) but so much of what I hear is so dark and unbelievable that it is effecting me in ways I don't even realize. I definitely have hopes for these girls coming back and living real loving lives with a better support system, but so much of what they say is so hard to swallow and can sometimes be hard to know if things can change for them. Some of these girls are involved in gangs and actually say that they are "addicted" to the gang and the violence. It's hard to know that they won't leave the treatment and go back to the things they have always done because they feel the addiction to what they have grown up with.
This experience has been so amazing and the experiences that have happened to me have been so interesting. Some people say that it isn't normal or that you shouldn't become emotionally involved. But if I am not there and listening with everything I can and have, then I don't believe I am being a good therapist. If I just treat them as another hour in my day and sit there only listening to the words and not the emotions and anger behind what is truly being said, then I am not invested in them and their treatment. So...in conclusion, although I have been having some hard personal times with what I am hearing and seeing, I think every second of it is worth it. It is part of the change and the experience of becoming a therapist, and what I hope is the road to being a good therapist.