The Final Chapter of My Internship

On August 18th I met with my girls for their final sessions. It was a bittersweet moment all of August knowing that it was coming. The one girl that I had made amazing connections with was the hardest one to say goodbye to and she took it pretty hard herself. In the beginning of August I actually didn't get to say goodbye or do a final session, I knew it was our final session but she didn't. She ended up having to go to court the next day for some assault charges to staff members and a peer and she was going to be arrested and taken back to California to be put back in a jail or prison facility. She was a very sweet girl and I enjoyed working with her; she had a pretty rough past that left her believing violence was the answer...to everything. Actually in June another girl I was meeting with ended up getting transferred to another facility as well due to her not making any significant progress.

Throughout my internship I saw a total of 6 girls full time and about 4 or 5 other on occasion by request. 1 graduated, 1 was transferred to another residential facility and 1 was arrested and taken back to CA. In the end I think only 1 really truly cared that I was leaving and our sessions would no longer continue...and I'm okay with that. I learned that I won't make a difference in every one's life, but I can make a difference in 1 person's life and that is all that matters. During some of our final sessions she said to me, "I wake up every Wednesday and Friday morning so excited and thinking 'Today I get to see Amber,' and now I will have to wake up those mornings and say 'What would Amber want me to do?' Those words meant the world to me, because I know not every day she will make the right decisions, but I know that there is a small chance that on a day she does make great decisions it is because of something I have said or done. This girl ended up having a really hard time with me leaving and reverted back to some old ways of handling stress - self harm, acting out, threatening suicide. We tried to work through these things while I was there but it was still really hard.

It is so hard to know that I may never see any of these girls again, never know how their lives turn out and may always wonder if I made any impact. In the end I know this is how it is and that is part of this career path that overtime I will learn to adjust to, but it's the one part I never even considered until I was doing it. I was also sad about leaving the people that I worked with, I saw amazing people every day I was there and sometimes I thought they had more strength than I did because they were the ones dealing with it day in and day out; but they also though I had more strength because I sat in the room listening to the stories of their life. I will never forget those stories, they changed me forever. I will never forget the feelings and emotions I experienced while sitting in those rooms hearing the stories and leaving the rooms not knowing what to do with those stories. I think those were some of the hardest moments of my life because I was so overcome with emotions that I didn't know how to handle it...but in the end I did.

I came out of this internship realizing even more that you have to have humor, laughter and trust in those around you and mostly in yourself. I went into this internship believing that you had to be so serious and straight because of the stories, the people and the situations. I thought using humor in the beginning was not right...but I slowly learned it is the best way to deal with things. If I hadn't started using humor I would have gone into a deep depression or been admitted myself. Once I started using humor and learning to laugh it made things so much easier and I became more comfortable in myself and my surroundings. I can't explain the humor I am talking about in a blog, but I can assure you the humor was never directed at the person or their stories and I can also assure you that you may never know what I mean until you are there. I also think this lesson applies to so many ways in life though, if you can't make a joke or find the humor in things around you, you may live your life in utter disappointment and sadness. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh at things others say...don't be so serious all the time. When things make you mad in life learn to laugh about it or the person doing it to you, to some that may sound mean and hurtful, but the point is to find the brighter side and laugh about it because in the end you can't change it you can just change your reactions.

On my final meeting with my supervisor he told me that I was able to take a girl who was possibly one of the most non-functioning girls on campus and have her name me as her main support in why she was doing better, and that I should be proud of myself. His words meant so much because I was constantly second guessing myself and not feeling confident. My supervisor was amazing and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was always there and put reality in front of my face. When I was at my worst, emotionally, and so lost he said to me, "It comes down to flight or fight - what do you want to do?" There was no question, I wanted to fight. I didn't want to leave the section I was interning at, I wanted to fight and say that I did it - I never wanted to give up. As my supervisor put it, I was working in one of the most difficult sections on campus, it was my choice - I could go to a different cottage or I could stay where I was. I chose stay and I am so glad I did. That was when I realized I don't give up and I won't give up, so now it was time for me to decide how I was going to change it and make things better for me.

I know this all sounds like a lot of mumble jumble, but this internship was the best experience of my life. I grew more in the 8 months I spent there than I have at any other point in my life, I grew in every way that is possible. I learned so much about myself and am so much more aware of myself and my emotions and why I am feeling them. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I still have so much to learn and experience, but as my supervisor agreed, after working with the population I did, in the setting I did, I can handle anything...I'm ready for anything.