Family updates

At the beginning of December Matt and I flew to Vegas to meet up with my Dad, Step-Mom, my Aunt Jane, Aunt Kay and Uncle Robert. I had yet to meet my Step-Mom Lynn, Kay or Robert and Matt had yet to meet any of them. I had also never been to Vegas before and Matt had never been there since he turned 21. Due to the conference in Arizona the following Monday we had to cut our trip short and were only able to stay Wednesday - Sunday. The first night in town Matt and I stayed at Planet Hollywood, it was amazing! During the day we had a view of some mountains and the hotel room itself was amazing and decked out in Muhammad Ali stuff.

The rest of the time we stayed with family in a condo. Vegas was great...a little stressful with so many people wanting to do so many different things, but it was great to be able to meet everyone and just hang out. Although I had met Jane when I first met my Dad 8 years ago, we had kind of lost touch so it was great to be able to hang out and really get to know each other. She handled my bitchy sarcastic side very well ;).

 I want to do my best to be able to stay in touch with my family and start chatting with my family members that I haven't met yet, like Kay and Rob's kids (my cousins). I have yet to meet them or really talk to them and it would be nice to extend my family some more. I have re-connected with my cousins Josh and Jared, which are Jane's boys, on facebook but I still have a lot of catching up to do. It's been hard trying to stay in touch and adjust to having family members that you didn't have before. But I love it, I love all of them! Of course it was great to see my Dad again as well, we haven't seen each other in 3 years. And I finally got to meet his wife Lynn who was so sweet...even if she did say that the picture of us looks like coffee and milk because I am SO white! :)

So Vegas was great and I am so grateful I was given that time to spend with them and I hope to do it again in the near future!

There is one other piece of news that I am very excited about. During Christmas Jen (Matt's Sister) asked Matt and I to be Emilio's Godparents! Of course we said yes! It is an amazing honor to be asked that and I can't believe she asked us. We are not sure when it will all happen but we know it will be sometime next year. So many things are going to be happening next year, I can't wait!

The last few months...

So again I have failed to keep up with this blog. I enjoy being able to write and share the things that are going on in my life...whether people choose to read them or not. However, with my job and life in general things have gotten a little crazy.

Work Update...
I have been working about 40+ hours a week and have been doing double duty over the last couple months. My position has expanded a lot since I began almost 3 years ago, but in the last 4 months I would say things have really started to speed up. It's good because it keeps me busy but it can also be stressful sometimes. However, I am really excited to see what will happen in the next 3-6 months. We are working on doing some amazing things in our lab and I am really excited to be a part of it all.
This month I was given an amazing opportunity to attend a conference held by Mayo Clinic in Arizona. I went to 2 different sessions and I learned a lot. There was a lot I didn't know, but I came back with some really good ideas, a better understanding and A LOT of questions. I think it was really good for me to attend the conference and understand what outreach laboratories are really doing. I am so thankful that I was given that amazing opportunity to go there and meet people and learn all that I did.

Life Update...
Although work keeps me busy there isn't too much happening in my personal world ;). Matt right now is doing a new job for Dish Network so he was able to get off the phones, which is great! However, I only get to see him Friday - Sunday morning. His new shift is Sunday - Thursday 3p - 11:30p; which sucks but I think this is a really great opportunity for him. Plus, with the way Dish Network is, this shift should only last another month before they decide to do a shift bid and hopefully he'll get a better shift so I can see him more.

When I went to Arizona I went alone, Matt had to say in Denver which marked the longest time that we had been away from each other since we started dating. I know it sounds corny but we do everything together and I love that about us. He really is my best friend.
I have actually heard people say that they can't wait to get away from their husbands, or that they take extra vacation days somewhere when finding out their husbands can't go. I hope I never turn in to one of those women. In 3 years of being together we are learning more and more about each other all the time; I am so lucky to have him in my life.

                                                                      (this is an old picture from when we first started dating)

Dog update...

Dogs are doing well...Rocky is now a free-roam dog in the house. Matt came home a couple weeks ago to Apollo waiting anxiously at the door (which is normal, we don't kennel him) and then all of a sudden there appeared Rocky behind him (who we did kennel). Yep, Apollo busted him out of the kennel...literally. Matt found the gate door to the kennel laying on the ground with the lock busted from the outside...darn dogs. But, besides a pair of shoes, Rocky has done amazingly well keeping himself under control.
Our dogs have come a long way...both of them. We had some pretty bumpy starts to the beginning of our lives with both of them, but for the most part we have worked it all out. It took some drugs (for them) and a lot of patience (for us) but they are good boys. They may not be kids but they sure are a lot of work sometimes, and they have taught Matt and I so much.

That's really about it...I am going to add another one about family because there is a lot of updates for our family. There isn't much else going on here right now, but I think that 2011 is going to be a great year!

Lessons Learned

As my previous post has mentioned, I have learned a lot so far this year and am still learning a lot.

As my internship came to a close a lot of things have happened in life:
I 'graduated' from school. I now am considered a person with a Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health in Counseling. Am I really done with school? No classes, no papers, no internship.
I was offered a job doing what I thought I always wanted to do and where I thought I wanted to be. I struggled over that decision and what would happen with working at Children's and in the end, after getting all the facts, I turned down the job and have no regrets and remain at Children's.
There are some amazing things happening at Children's Hospital with our laboratory and with myself. Although it is taking some time, I know what the end result will be and am excited and scared.
I have learned a lot about family and accepting those in family that you weren't able to accept before. Although I still get hurt, I remind myself that they are who they are and I will never change that, so all I can do is accept it. I also learned how much I love being apart of a big family and having people around me that I love and love me back. They think of me and ask how I am doing, if I passed an exam that was important - and remember that I took it.
Matt and I have been talking about wedding stuff, and although it is still a ways away...it makes me feel good about being with him, where we are and being apart of his family someday. That doesn't mean I love my family less, it just means I have found more, a lot more ;), family to love and I know they are always there for us.
I've always had a sense of humor...sometimes a little bit of a cynical one, but I have now learned more than ever how important humor and laughter are. Without them, my life would be sad and dark, but with them I have love and I appreciate things and I can learn how to better accept things.
I have learned a lot about people...I've learned it is okay to say and accept that I don't like everyone and I don't need to. I also don't need to hide to others that I don't like that person, life is too short to be fake. If I work with someone I don't like and I can admit it, I can come to work and still do my job and have good communication with that person because I don't have some hidden emotion hiding that. Not every one in the world is going to like everyone, and if that other person is someone who constantly lies, belittles people and believes they are better than everyone then I don't need to like them. I do however need to respect them in the fact that they are a person and they have a job to do. Recently...I have found this exact paragraph and sayings have helped me so much.
I learned I HATE lying...I hate when people lie to me, I hate it even more when I show facts of how someone has lied and they continue to lie. Don't lie to me...I lose respect for you. But in that same token, don't hate me for telling the truth.
I have learned that people don't like honesty, I tell the truth and I am who I am. I stand by me and my decisions. I am not perfect and I am okay with that. I have flaws and some of them I am working on and others I am not and I am okay with that too, if you don't like it...not my problem, that's yours.
Along with a few things above, I have learned that I cannot change a person, their thoughts or their actions, all I can do is change my reaction and myself. I may not always do this, but I do believe it and try to practice it.
I have learned how much punctuality is important to me. When you have a job that starts at 8, that means you are at your desk and ready to work at 8. Not 8:10 or 8:20 - 8:00! Unless you work for yourself and you have no co-workers than it doesn't matter does it. When you work with a team and you work for someone, you show up on time because that is your job and it is your job to be there for your team. In my world when you show up late you are being disrespectful to your supervisor, your co-workers, your job and yourself...to me it means you don't care enough to find a way to get there on time. I also recognize that not every day will people be on time...traffic, kids, alarms not going off, etc. However, that is every once in a while...when it becomes every day that you are late and most days it is by almost a half hour; there is a problem. If you want to be a leader and you want to show that you are there to do your job, you show up on time. This lesson was ingrained in my head when I worked at Rudy's...I will forever live by the phrase: "Early is on time, On time is late, and Late is UNACCEPTABLE."

In the end of all this I have learned a lot, a lot I didn't put here, but I have learned the most about myself and my reactions and emotions. I am trying very hard to change how I react to people and things and remember that everything is on me. I can only change myself, my reactions and my emotions, I cannot change the other persons. I often remember the serenity prayer during hard times and for a laugh...I remember the song "Pray for You" by Jaron and The Long Road to Love.

The Final Chapter of My Internship

On August 18th I met with my girls for their final sessions. It was a bittersweet moment all of August knowing that it was coming. The one girl that I had made amazing connections with was the hardest one to say goodbye to and she took it pretty hard herself. In the beginning of August I actually didn't get to say goodbye or do a final session, I knew it was our final session but she didn't. She ended up having to go to court the next day for some assault charges to staff members and a peer and she was going to be arrested and taken back to California to be put back in a jail or prison facility. She was a very sweet girl and I enjoyed working with her; she had a pretty rough past that left her believing violence was the answer...to everything. Actually in June another girl I was meeting with ended up getting transferred to another facility as well due to her not making any significant progress.

Throughout my internship I saw a total of 6 girls full time and about 4 or 5 other on occasion by request. 1 graduated, 1 was transferred to another residential facility and 1 was arrested and taken back to CA. In the end I think only 1 really truly cared that I was leaving and our sessions would no longer continue...and I'm okay with that. I learned that I won't make a difference in every one's life, but I can make a difference in 1 person's life and that is all that matters. During some of our final sessions she said to me, "I wake up every Wednesday and Friday morning so excited and thinking 'Today I get to see Amber,' and now I will have to wake up those mornings and say 'What would Amber want me to do?' Those words meant the world to me, because I know not every day she will make the right decisions, but I know that there is a small chance that on a day she does make great decisions it is because of something I have said or done. This girl ended up having a really hard time with me leaving and reverted back to some old ways of handling stress - self harm, acting out, threatening suicide. We tried to work through these things while I was there but it was still really hard.

It is so hard to know that I may never see any of these girls again, never know how their lives turn out and may always wonder if I made any impact. In the end I know this is how it is and that is part of this career path that overtime I will learn to adjust to, but it's the one part I never even considered until I was doing it. I was also sad about leaving the people that I worked with, I saw amazing people every day I was there and sometimes I thought they had more strength than I did because they were the ones dealing with it day in and day out; but they also though I had more strength because I sat in the room listening to the stories of their life. I will never forget those stories, they changed me forever. I will never forget the feelings and emotions I experienced while sitting in those rooms hearing the stories and leaving the rooms not knowing what to do with those stories. I think those were some of the hardest moments of my life because I was so overcome with emotions that I didn't know how to handle it...but in the end I did.

I came out of this internship realizing even more that you have to have humor, laughter and trust in those around you and mostly in yourself. I went into this internship believing that you had to be so serious and straight because of the stories, the people and the situations. I thought using humor in the beginning was not right...but I slowly learned it is the best way to deal with things. If I hadn't started using humor I would have gone into a deep depression or been admitted myself. Once I started using humor and learning to laugh it made things so much easier and I became more comfortable in myself and my surroundings. I can't explain the humor I am talking about in a blog, but I can assure you the humor was never directed at the person or their stories and I can also assure you that you may never know what I mean until you are there. I also think this lesson applies to so many ways in life though, if you can't make a joke or find the humor in things around you, you may live your life in utter disappointment and sadness. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh at things others say...don't be so serious all the time. When things make you mad in life learn to laugh about it or the person doing it to you, to some that may sound mean and hurtful, but the point is to find the brighter side and laugh about it because in the end you can't change it you can just change your reactions.

On my final meeting with my supervisor he told me that I was able to take a girl who was possibly one of the most non-functioning girls on campus and have her name me as her main support in why she was doing better, and that I should be proud of myself. His words meant so much because I was constantly second guessing myself and not feeling confident. My supervisor was amazing and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He was always there and put reality in front of my face. When I was at my worst, emotionally, and so lost he said to me, "It comes down to flight or fight - what do you want to do?" There was no question, I wanted to fight. I didn't want to leave the section I was interning at, I wanted to fight and say that I did it - I never wanted to give up. As my supervisor put it, I was working in one of the most difficult sections on campus, it was my choice - I could go to a different cottage or I could stay where I was. I chose stay and I am so glad I did. That was when I realized I don't give up and I won't give up, so now it was time for me to decide how I was going to change it and make things better for me.

I know this all sounds like a lot of mumble jumble, but this internship was the best experience of my life. I grew more in the 8 months I spent there than I have at any other point in my life, I grew in every way that is possible. I learned so much about myself and am so much more aware of myself and my emotions and why I am feeling them. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. I still have so much to learn and experience, but as my supervisor agreed, after working with the population I did, in the setting I did, I can handle anything...I'm ready for anything.

Updates on School & Internship

It has been forever since I have written because life has been so crazy busy! I keep wanting to write and get everything out there but I sometimes feel like I just don't have the time or the energy. Anyway...below are some updates of what has been happening the last few months with my schooling and my internship.



School:
I am still in school...at the beginning of this internship I thought that I would be graduated in May, yea, not so much. Which in some ways I am actually happy about because I am allowed to stay longer at my internship place. I will be interning until about the end of August, I still have about 270 hours total to complete. During the month of May I had emailed my advisor to ask about when I needed to take comps, I assumed they would be in July since a graduation date in August was in the plans. Nope, about the 2nd to last week of May I received an email back stating that comps were June 5th! I had about 3 weeks notice and if I didn't take it on that date I would have to wait for October. Luckily they still had one open spot so I signed up for it, freaked out and then broke my studying skills out of hibernation. It was a rough 3 weeks trying to study every night and all weekend long...but the day finally came. I still don't know if I passed it or not, they had to SEND OUT our scan tron sheets!! I am still a little irritated. When I sat down and opened the test packet I wanted to run out screaming. Nothing looked familiar from what I had studied and I couldn't remember a thing! I have horrible test anxiety and this was no different. I just want the test results to come so I know how I did. I am still waiting....



Internship:
My skin has become incredibly thick which is so good for me, my clients and most importantly the people that I surround myself with on a daily basis. I was at a point for a while where the girls and their stories was all I could think about. It had become unhealthy where it was affecting my sleep, my dreams and my relationships. I have moved past that now and am so happy. I still think about the girls sometimes when I am not there and figure out how I can help and what I can do to better understand them; but it isn't taking over my life. I am happy and I love being there and working with the girls - even if all I am doing is planting a seed.

I sat in class and listened to another intern for the same facility ask, "whats the point?" She has been negative since the beginning of her internship and she has not taken the initiative to make her internship all that it can be. I told her that the point is to be a support and plant a seed. It doesn't matter if you don't change their life in one night - things don't work like that. The point is that for one day you stop them from wanting to harm themselves or kill themselves. You can be a support system and a role model they have never had before. I was once told that this career choice is the career with the least amount of thank yous. Your client will hardly ever say thank you for what you have done - because you haven't done anything. For the clients that change their lives and the ways they do things it is because of them, not the therapist. If they are ready for that change then all a therapist does is help them along the way. They validate and bring new thoughts and ideas to the client that they haven't had before. I truly believe that the client is the change not the therapist. I just hope that some day this girl in my class realizes it.

Anyway, back to the update :). In May I was given the opportunity to attend the graduation for my internship site - and one of the girls I have been working with was graduating. It was so nice to see that side of things and see that the girls can and do change. It was amazing to be at one of the biggest graduations they have ever had with 12 girls. It was kind of a weird feeling for me to know that one of the girls I have seen almost every week for 5 months was leaving and I would never see her again. It was the first time I had to go through the termination process and really say goodbye to someone. I hope that she really holds on to the things she learned and does well.

Another one of my girls is leaving today actually...she is getting placed at another facility because there hasn't been much change with her in 9months. I absolutely feel bad for her because she is not anywhere near a place where she is ready and willing to change. She has a hard time accepting her past and moving on. She chooses to say "my past is my past," but all it is is a phrase. She believes that if she continues saying it that it will come true and she'll have moved on. She doesn't like to talk much about the past and until she does she will never move on from it. Her past is hard and I know that in the beginning it is painful and hard to remember those things and share them but until she does it won't get any easier for her. I hope someday she is at a point where she wants to change and that someone is there to help her.

My other girls/clients have been on emotional roller coasters the last couple months and some days it is hard to go in there and do therapy because they can become so depressed. It's frustrating for not only them but for the therapist. You see the potential they have but it is so hard when they are that low to get them to see it too. However, I continue to go in and be there and hope that for at least one of them I am making a small change somewhere in their head. I have had amazing opportunities to talk to other girls on the campus as well just by being involved with group sessions and attending another cottages meeting. Every Wednesday the whole campus participates in a group sessions, I used to be in a Family Dynamics group and now I am apart of a group titled Survivors of Sexual Abuse. The group is amazing! They are there for each other, support one another, listen and participate. They are an amazing group of girls and I am so glad I chose this group to be apart of because it is such a change from my last one. I'm also apart of a group called K9 healers. It is amazing what having a dog in a session can do for people. It gives them that trust and unconditional love that they need, they are able to open up more. I love being apart of it.

Well, for my internship I think that covers a lot of it. Every day I learn something more and even though sometimes I can't wait for my internship to be over so my working hours go back to normal, I will miss it like CRAZY!!! I am so glad I went outside my box and took a chance.

Body image

I may have mentioned before that I have decided to start using my blog as more of an outlet as well as an update of my life. Why separate the two? When both deal with the every day out comings of who I am and who I am becoming.
Last weekend I mentioned I went to a conference and loved it. One of the sessions I attended was a discussion on girls and body image. During the session I found myself looking around the room worried that people were staring at my "roll" and while she was talking about all the crazy crash diets she went on, I started to think that those things might work for me. Of course it is crazy and I would never do anything like only eating a grapefruit for every meal and working out for 5 hours a day, but the thoughts of becoming smaller and looking like a "model" always enter my mind.
I have never mentioned anything about body image before because it is always said to me that I can't have body image issues because I am not obese or overweight. I struggle with those comments because there are women of every size and age that experience body image difficulties. These days even 5 year olds are expressing that something makes them fat or they need to go on a diet. There are many speculations and ideas of how this is happening, but all that matters is that it is happening and if their thoughts are continued to be ignored they may grow up with more severe body image issues.
The reason why I decided to bring this up is because if anyone comes across this I want them to know that a lot of women can and do have body image issues, and it is okay to accept that and talk about it to someone who will listen. Recently I have wanted to start exercising and eating better. A lot of reasons is to just be healthier and feel better about myself and who I am. I would like to have a healthy life, and the exercise can help me with some of my stress. However, when I mention this to others they sometimes assume that I have an eating disorder or will create one. Some even assume that I don't enjoy what I am doing. I find this unfair. Yes, I have some issues with my body, but my reasons are not the same as someone else.
I think it has to be accepted that a women of any size can have problems with their body...if we choose to ignore it or blow it off as a woman looking for compliments it only fuels the fire for those who are truly struggling and asking for help or just trying to talk about it out loud to process what is going on. Sometimes a person just needs validation that what they are feeling is true and okay. They need a safe place to go and I encourage people to find that safe place and that safe person.

Internship experience...once again

As the days go on in this internship I have noticed I have started to settle in. I have began to notice that the hard stuff doesn't bother me like it used to. I am not saying it isn't hard and emotional anymore, I'm just saying that it isn't effecting me emotionally like it used to. I think I am starting to handle things better and am able to focus on the more important things. However, yesterday when I went to therapy I started to realize a new effect it has had on me...
For the past few weeks I have started to become very jumpy and am very "alert" all the time. I have started to have dreams/nightmares about being robbed, shot, assaulted, etc. We have students at my job at TCH and they are sharing my office with me and every time I walk in the office and they are sitting there I get startled and sometimes scream. If someone touches my shoulder from behind or walks out from a corner I get startled. I never put it together but my therapist put it in perspective for me.
In my internship I am dealing with the darker side of life, and so that has started to make me scared and paranoid. I sometimes don't feel safe anymore and that is why. If I was dealing with being a career counselor or something I would feel full of hope and dreams (not that I don't) but so much of what I hear is so dark and unbelievable that it is effecting me in ways I don't even realize. I definitely have hopes for these girls coming back and living real loving lives with a better support system, but so much of what they say is so hard to swallow and can sometimes be hard to know if things can change for them. Some of these girls are involved in gangs and actually say that they are "addicted" to the gang and the violence. It's hard to know that they won't leave the treatment and go back to the things they have always done because they feel the addiction to what they have grown up with.
This experience has been so amazing and the experiences that have happened to me have been so interesting. Some people say that it isn't normal or that you shouldn't become emotionally involved. But if I am not there and listening with everything I can and have, then I don't believe I am being a good therapist. If I just treat them as another hour in my day and sit there only listening to the words and not the emotions and anger behind what is truly being said, then I am not invested in them and their treatment. So...in conclusion, although I have been having some hard personal times with what I am hearing and seeing, I think every second of it is worth it. It is part of the change and the experience of becoming a therapist, and what I hope is the road to being a good therapist.

New Girl - New Experience

At my internship I have been assigned to another girl...which makes 5. She is an 18 year old girl that is being court ordered to be at my internship site. At my site, you normally leave when you graduate high school or turn 18 years old. However, a few months ago she ran from my site and participated in some un-healthy behaviors, and is now back at my site and in my area that I work with. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also participates in self-harming behavior. This is the new experience I refer to in my title to this blog. It is so true that once you are in counseling you think you have seen everything and something new comes your way. This last week was my first week spending time with this girl and I found her so interesting and sweet too. She didn't hold back on anything and told me a lot of facts about herself.
She went into discussing the ways that she self-harms herself and the second day I met with her, she showed me the scars and the things that she has done to herself. She has participated in cutting, branding, carving, burning and the list goes on. When she talked about the act of harming it excited her...it was hard for me to understand what I was seeing. She was so excited and she was full of smiles and her demeanor was so happy. She was kind of a true experience for me of what happens with self-harming and what it does for people who do it. This girl also has suicidal ideations, and I won't mention the things that she expressed to me on what she wanted to do to herself and what she wants to see done if she accomplishes it. It sounds weird, but for me it was fascinating and so hard to listen to. She is so young and has dreams of opening a facility herself based around animal therapy, but yet she wants a "fast ticket out of here." I struggle sometimes knowing what to say, how to react and how to help.
I think as my journey continues and I continue meeting with this girl I think so many things will be taught to me. I hope that I am able to help her in some way and see her be happy about other things besides self-harming. I will see where this all leads...every girl and every day is a new experience.

CCA conference

Yesterday I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Colorado Counseling Association conference. This was the first conference I had been to regarding anything for counseling. I absolutely loved it. It was a full day from 9-5 but I didn't feel like I was there for that long.

Our keynote speaker was a man by the name of David Capuzzi and he was absolutely amazing. He gave an hour and a half talk that felt like 15 minutes...it was over way too soon. He is a specialist on grief and loss and he told some amazing stories and gave us a model of the stages of grief and loss. He had us do this activity where we wrote down 6 things we value on 6 cards, we then had to take one of those things away and discuss how we felt about that choice with a partner from our table. My item had been my therapist, out of all the things written on my cards I decided that was the one thing I could live without. Mainly because I have become to realize that I do have some great friends and connections to help me get through things. Also, I can always get a new therapist at some point ;). Next we had to turn over the cards and then mix them up and then let our partner randomly pick a card, and once again discuss with our partner how we felt about that. Luckily for me the item she chose for me was my career. I say luckily because the place that I am in right now in life I have a lot of choices and being on 2 different career paths I have the option and also, I never specified which career ;). Also, I know that I am young and have different abilities to always find something different. It would be hard but I know that I could adapt to the situation.

The last session I chose to go to was a discussion about IRRT (Imagery Rescripting and Reprocessing Therapy). This was such an amazing talk and a powerful form of therapy. We were able to hear a recorded session of this therapy in action as well as hear numerous stories of how this type of therapy has helped numerous people in such a short amount of sessions. This is a type of therapy that is used for the treatment of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). What it does is ask the client to go back to the memory of the traumatic event, and then it places the client there as their adult self and asks them to take over the situation. I won't give away all the information because if someone reads this I want them to be able to fully commit to the therapy without any thoughts of what should happen. However, this is a therapy that empowers the client to be able to overcome what they have gone through and come to a new place with their traumatic event. For one client it worked in one session, and he was a veteran from Vietnam. He was able to live his life again without having fear of dying every day. It was an amazing and empowering talk. I am thinking about finding out more about this type of therapy and thinking about using it with one of my girls.
I think this could be something amazing for one of my girls to help her through the sexual abuse she encountered from her father when she was 3. She is a girl that I have connected with and she has so many amazing qualities but can't realize it because of all the things she has experienced in life. She constantly has nightmares about these incidents when she was younger and I want her to move past these nightmares and live her life. She was doing really well for a month and then something happened, I haven't figured out what yet, but something happened and she has had a hard time getting back on track. I think this might be something I can do that could maybe help her. It is just a matter of determining if she is "healthy" enough to handle it. She still has some suicidal ideations so this could play a big part if she could or could not handle this form of therapy.

I made a small side track there about one of my girls but I couldn't help it. The talk was so amazing and the type of therapy was just so inspirational that it really made me think. I think this type of therapy could really help a lot of people with PTSD and I really hope it starts to become popular in therapy.

At the end of the day I made some amazing connections with people and was able to network a little bit. I stopped by the table for the Betty Ford Center which is something based in Colorado that has younger kids come to a four day workshop; these kids have been affected by parents who suffer from alcoholism. My friend Michelle informed me of this center and she volunteered herself, so I think I am going to do it as well in June. It will be an amazing experience and it will count towards my internship hours. I am so happy that I went and am I inspired and already planning on going to the ACA (American counseling association) conference in March which is in New Orleans! I can't wait!

Making a difference

In my internship I have a total of 4 clients. These girls have been through things and lived lives that I don't think I would ever survive. They have been in trouble, made bad decisions and some have some serious criminal records - including manslaughter. However, at the end of the day they are still children and some of the most amazing girls you could meet. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true.
I have a girl who has manslaughter from when she was age 12, actually her 12th birthday, and she is one of the most charming and friendly girl you could ever meet. However, somedays I leave there thinking, how do I find myself thinking this girl is charming? When she became one of my girls, it was the week that she brutally attacked a staff member. I was petrified, I didn't know what I should do and I was scared she would get upset with me in a session and black out and attack me. However, things turned out way different, and I am so happy about that. I have heard a lot of stories revolving anger and violence with her that at the end of the day, she has no remorse; and other days she has so many emotions I don't know what I should say. She is honestly one of my favorite girls to meet with her. She is open and willing to talk and she is pretty honest...it's refreshing in a way. She has some amazing goals in life, but her life has been hard and her anger gets in the way. I don't always understand her anger and its hard but its great that she is so open because it gives me a way to try and understand and help her understand. I constantly struggle with ways to help her with her anger, but I am starting to think that if I can help her focus on her goals and where she can pull her passion from maybe just maybe I can help her learn to re-direct her anger or just simply walk away.
My other girl that I love meeting with is a girl who self harms by biting her arms and swallowing things. The week she became my girl she swallowed white out and our first meeting was her talking about how she doesn't deserve to live or be happy and all she wants to do is die. She is only 15! She started out not going to school a lot because she was always physically managed from her self harm and acting out, and she was just struggling. There would be times that she would come around and then would "relapse" because of news that she heard or an emotion she couldn't handle. She also hears voices that tell her horrible things and so she does a lot of harm to herself to get rid of the voices. About a month ago she changed...she was making it to school every day, she was always happy and she wasn't self-harming. She went a full month with visits to other cottages, no self-harm, no acting out, and her mom was going to come out and see her because she had been doing so well. Then I came in for my hours yesterday... she had acted out with a peer and had self harmed and her level got dropped. When I went to see her in the time out room she told me she didn't deserve to be happy or receive any of the privledges she had that month she was doing so well. It broke my heart. She has an amazing heart, good sense of humor and she is just genuinely sweet. I have been able to make a connection with her on a level that some others haven't.
In fact, about a month ago she finally told me about some nightmares she had been having; she hadn't shared this with her therapist or anyone else. It was an amazing break-through...unfortunately it caused me to have the same nightmares because I wasn't doing self-care. We have worked for weeks on these nightmares and then I had a thought. When I was little I always slept with stuffed animals all over my bed because it made me feel safe. What if she had a stuffed animal? So on Wednesday, after I received approval, I brought her in a stuffed bear and told her that it is hers to sleep with. It will protect her and help her stay safe, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night and has a nightmare that bear will be there to protect her and talk to. Sometimes the best listener is the one that can't talk back. She was very excited and happy to recieve the bear...she even named it Amber. When I talked to her yesterday she told me that the nightmares have gotten better, she has been talking to her bear at night when she wakes up. And a couple weeks ago she told someone that one of her main supports was me. It felt so amazing to hear that. It makes me feel good to know that maybe I can do this, and that maybe I can make a small difference in someone's life.
These two girls have been the biggest eye opening experience for me. They have helped me learn so much about myself. I know that I can sit in a room with a girl and hear her talk about how she harmed herself and what it sounded like, or what she did to another person and not run out screaming or have a constant fear of meeting with them. I did have some doubt in the beginning and I still do...I am always wondering about if what I am saying or doing is the right thing, but at least I know that I can sit there and not be scared.

New realization of the internship

Three months into my internship and I have been on the most incredible, frustrating and amazing emotional roller coaster of my life! In the beginning I was having a really hard time because I wasn't sure if I could do it. I wanted to be there and I wanted to be able to believe I could do it, but I was having so many emotional days where I was struggling to control my own emotions by what these girls were telling me. I had a lot of conversations with my supervisor and I think eventually things began to sink in.
I was having a really hard time with things because I felt like I had no support system. I felt like no one wanted to hear what I had to say about the internship. I wanted to come home and share every detail with Matt of what I heard and saw that day, but he was only getting upset with me and I didn't understand. At work I felt like I couldn't share with anyone because they are all so sensitive and some expressed that they didn't want to hear about any of it. I also don't have that many friends so I felt like I was just stuck in this hole with no way out and no one to talk to. No one understood me, no one wanted to understand or care what I was doing or what I was feeling. I just felt horrible and it was beginning to affect every aspect of my life. Then, finally I had a conversation with one of the therapists at my internship and I think it finally sank in. She expressed that when she first started she wanted to go home and share things with her fiance and her friends, but it just couldn't be done, it just put stress on the relationships. What we see day in and day out and what we hear are things that most people do not want to hear. They don't always understand and they don't want to, that is why they chose not to be therapists. Finally it sank in and made sense, it was just so nice to hear it from a female and someone near my age. It took me a few more days but after that I just realized that it is okay for others to not hear all the details. I can come home and tell Matt some of the good things that happened or just say I had a really rough day and he will understand that, he doesn't need to know the details. I have other friends that do understand and do want to hear. I had a lot of conversations with people in the last couple weeks and it has been so helpful! I feel like weight has just been lifted off my shoulders and I am seeing so many things in a different light.
I have few friends that I can depend on, but luckily I have 2 friends that absolutely understand where I am coming from and what I am doing, and they don't mind hearing the details of what goes on in my sessions. One is in the field so nothing phases her and the other has been through so much that she is completely open and understands. I realize now that I don't need to tell the world. Every relationship is different and those are the two people I can depend on to share these things with and use as an outlet.
This internship is one of the best choices I ever made. I was absolutely frightened and didn't want to go to this place at all, but now, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Internship Experience

I am entering in my third month of my internship experience, and I am amazed and lost at the things I have learned and am experiencing. Let me start with a little more insight into where I am interning at:
The facility is a residential treatment center. They have about 11 cottages, which are the areas that the girls live at when they are not in school. This facility has a school on campus that has a gym, library, cafeteria and classrooms. All of the credits that the girls earn while attending this facility can be transferred and used for their graduation of high school. A lot of the girls are from Colorado but a lot more of them are from out of state, mostly California but there are few other states in the mix. These girls are from age 12-19 and have extreme behavior disorders and a lot of them have experienced things I still cannot fathom. Most of the girls have been diagnosed as suffering from Conduct Disorders and Oppositional Defiant Disorders, among many other things. These are both disorders that, as the names show, display acting out, being in trouble with the law, not making the right decisions, bullying and many other things. Conduct Disorder is actually something that could lead to Anti-Social Personality Disorder once the person has reached the age of 18. At this facility we have 2 transition cottages that help the girls learn how to manage outside in reality once they leave the facility. The cottage area I work in is very different and definitely specialized and structured.
I work in the TLC area, Treatment and Learning Center, which is a separate building that also includes the IU, Intensive Unit. The IU department is like a time out area, there are 6 rooms that have nothing in them, some have cement platforms and all have drains on the floor so they can be hosed down if need be. This is the area that the girls go when they are acting out or request that they go there when they are in need of space/time out. There is a small window on the door so the girls can be monitored to make sure that they are remaining safe, and if they want to run or hurt anyone the door is held to ensure they stay safe and inside.
The TLC are has 12 rooms I believe that have cement platforms that girls sleep on, the platforms do have a "mattress pad" (I can't think of the proper name right now) so they can sit and sleep as comfortably as can be. This area is used to house the girls who act out beyond management for their cottages and regular staff members. The staff that works at TLC/IU are amazing and very well trained; especially to work with this specific client load. These girls act out the most extreme and perform a lot of self-harming activities.
At least once (but normally more) a day I hear a girl act out, get taken to IU and she sits in the room screaming at the top of her lungs and swearing at the staff members and about herself. At first I had a hard time getting used to this, but now, it has become normal for me, I expect it. I may not always understand it, but I am getting more and more used to it as the days go on. These girls are just so upset and angry inside that they have no other way to express themselves.

My girls:
My first girl is a 16year old African-American girl with conduct disorder and enjoys lying... a lot. I think our first like 5 sessions have been nothing but lies. She also is a little narcissistic so she likes to talk about herself a lot and likes to build herself up. She has a great sense of humor, but can be loud and very un-focused. She is definitely a challenge and can be very tiring.

My second girl is also a 16year old African-American girl with conduct disorder and intermittent explosive disorder (extreme acts of rage). She has a hard time with talk therapy and insight into why she has anger and what she can do instead of acting out. I have a harder time with her because of her inability to have insight...so the more recent plan has been to start playing games with her. She will be able to learn small social skills and learning how to converse with people.

My third girl is a 15year old African-American girl who has oppositional defiant disorder and is an extreme self-harmer. She chooses to self harm by using her teeth but she also uses erasers and crayons. She is a very sweet girl with a good sense of humor and I find her very like able. However, she does consider herself to be vindictive and if she targets someone, she means it. I have been able to really build a trusting relationship with her and I really enjoy meeting with her.

I have 2 more girls but I haven't met with them yet. I will begin meeting with them this following week.
The first girl became a resident of TLC after she attacked a staff member and gave her a concussion, this girl has no remorse for the incident. She just turned 17 and is at risk for anti-social personality disorder with sociopath tendencies.
The second girl self-harms a lot but she is very artistic. I don't know as much about her yet, but I think she will be very interesting to meet with and with her artistic abilities it will open the door for a lot things in therapy.

I think that although each girl hasn't had the greatest backgrounds or current state, they all have some great assets and personalities. That is the greatest thing to focus on with these girls and something to key in on from the beginning. It really helps you to build report with them. Through this experience I have had a really hard time with the self-injury aspect of things. I understand it on paper, but sitting with it, hearing it and seeing it is very hard for me. I have a really hard time understanding the process and reasons. You just want to scream "STOP" and have it be done with, but it isn't that easy. Sometimes they can go weeks without self harming and then they take a phone call from home that is upsetting and they go back to square one. I have found this internship to be shocking, frustrating and amazing. Although every day is difficult to see and hear the things that I do, I enjoy it. I have actually felt a "calling" if you will to this place and these girls.
In the beginning I never thought I would want to work with any adolescents, especially adolescent girls...but now I am starting to think this may be exactly what I want to do. These girls need someone who is there when everyone else isn't, their support system has been torn apart for numerous reasons and they need to gain back a childhood and life that will be better than what they have had. I am not sure what it is but I feel drawn to this place, although it is hard, I sometimes wish I could be there more.

On a more personal note...this internship has opened my eyes to so many things in me and around me. I have began to notice more behaviors among people around me and really honed in on it, which in some cases, I wish I didn't notice the behaviors but at the same time it is helpful to me. I have also started to look at my support system...I have few friends and I really have few friends that I can talk to about this internship. People don't want to hear what I am going through, they can't stomach it sometimes and they don't understand it. They don't know what to say. Right now I am lost because I can't see my therapist until April (she just had a baby). I sometimes feel like she is the only one I can be truly honest with and she will understand it because she has been through it. Even people in my classes can't understand, their internships are less high-stress and extreme as mine, even talking about it in class they say things that shows they don't get it. It is hard walking around with all of these emotions and questions inside and no one wants to hear about it.
Looking back to what I said about having few friends, I don't have many people I can just call and talk to. I have noticed that I really have a hard time trusting people...I know where most of it stems through but I think over the last 3 years of being in Colorado have increased my lack of trust in friends because I feel like a lot of them have let me down. I am afraid to open up to people and let them in...I'm afraid they will let me down, judge me and so many other things. I miss the friendships I used to have where I was ignorant to the lack of reality in the friendships I thought I had. So few of those friendships were TRUE friendships, they lacked something that I never saw until now. As you can see this internship has been trying on me in so many ways. I want to call someone and talk about my excitement or my disappointment of the day and in the end I have no one to call. It's hard. A lot of people just think I am in an internship sitting there listening, and yes that it is what I am doing, but it is so much more. People would be surprised how much listening takes out of you, especially when it is hearing and seeing what I am seeing while I am there. It's hard for me because people don't understand, my only outlet right now is this blog because I can get it out and most of the people I know don't even read it...probably because they don't care or the classic reason "I am too busy." I am experiencing an emotional roller coaster non-stop because of the internship itself, what it is bringing out and just dealing with daily life. I sometimes feel like I have no where to turn when I need it.

Paint Brush

In my life there are so many things changing, not in just my surroundings but in myself. One thing that has never changed is how much I love this poem. This poem was given to me when I was in the 9^th grade by someone very special and I never truly understood it, but every time I read it, I think I realize something new about the poem and myself. Recently I had a friend/co-worker tell me that this poem reminded him of me, despite what some may say I think this friend has a very interesting insight to things. Anyways, point is; read the poem and take what you will from it. I hope it reaches you or someone close to you as it has me. I think we all have our own paintbrush and I am still trying to figure out who I can stop using mine with ;)

Paint Brush

Author: Unknown

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do – that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too

Whale or Mermaid

I had a good friend forward this to me and I thought it was important to include it on my blog. Enjoy!

Recently, in a large city in France , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Wanting more...

There are some people, most people, or just sayings that say when you think about what you should want from life, what you need in life is only shelter, food and love/happiness/money. The reason that I put the last section with slashes is because the first 2 hardly ever change, but the last one is always changing depending on how the person looks at things. Some believe that if you have money you will be happy and will find love, others believe that is love that makes you happy and money is just a nice bonus and something that gets you the shelter and food. There are many variations of this thinking but shelter and food should be the most important because that truly is what you need to survive.
However, I have noticed that people always want more, I won't say all people because of course I don't know everyone in the world. I can speak from experience of my own and from conversations with others as well as watching others. I am a huge behavior person and having a little experience in psychology gives me a bit of an example to be able to analyze a persons behavior and body language in a different way then some people. What I have noticed is that there is always something that someone wants more...the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" theory.
I find a lot of people only admit or believe that what most people want is someone else's money status/bank account. However, if you really listen and watch people what they want of someone elses can be so much more. I have watched and listened to people admire another person's body (the most common these days), looks, personality, bank account, style and so much more. I often wonder why we don't look into ourselves and see what we have that the other person doesn't. I believe that every person is better than another...because each person has something that they are better at then the other person. Whether this may be a negative trait or a positive trait, it is there, someone is always going to be better than you at something, and you will always be better at someone else than that person is. This is why we are human and how we learn...we teach one another ways to be or not be.
Looking at myself I will only admit one item that I am jealous of other people, of course there are more :). I find myself consistently wanting another woman's clothing or shoes or purses...for some reason it is all about the fashion and appearance for me. I found myself today asking the question of why does this even matter to me? Some of it I think is a professional thing, at work I want to appear more professional and like in the movie of Picture Perfect "I want to dress for the job I want." I don't want to appear as a boring, meaningless, secretary (which is what most think my position is), I want to appear more professional and as an "assisstant" because that is what I do right now and someday I am looking at doing something more. However, in my personal outside of work life, I am not sure what my worry is. Who am I trying to impress? Myself? Matt's family? Friends? People have no idea who I am, where I come from or what I believe? Why does it matter?
Is it possible that this is something that we learn as we grow older? That is my real question. Is it something that our parents teach us by the way they live their lives and by the things they tell us we can or cannot have because of money? Or is it something that we learn by being in school and around peers where there is always a taunting of "what I have is better than yours or you"? I am starting to think of it as a little of both. We didn't have a lot of money growing up so I didn't get to hang out with the "cool" crowd. I didn't have the right jeans or the right look to be good enough to hang out with them, then when I would come home and ask my mom for an $80 pair of jeans she would ask "are you out of your mind?! do you think money grows on trees? we don't have the money for that." Then at an early age we start the whole "when I get older..." thinking. So that is when I started thinking "when I get older I am going to buy the cool clothes and wear what I want." Is that what brought me to where I am right now? Watching all the cool kids wearing the best clothes, driving the best cars, having millions of "friends" and thinking...someday that could be me or if I had money that could be me now.
However, looking back to my senior year things changed. I started to care and not care. I talked to the kids that were cool regardless of what I was wearing. Eventually I went to parties with them and said hi to them in the hallway. Nothing really changed...oh wait, yes it did. I got a job, I was able to buy the Silver Jeans that all the girls were wearing and I felt better about who I was. For some reason those jeans gave me the confidence to say hi and think that I didn't care what they thought about my clothes anymore.
That is just a small story that has brought me to today, why am I still wanting all the clothes and shoes that I think will make me better. Why do I want the body of the air-brushed model in the magazine when I have someone who loves me for me? Why do I want the perfect dog with no issues when my dogs are amazing and have had a hard life and I am giving them something better? There are so many more questions and yet with all of my analytical thinking and realizing that I truly do have everything I need...why do I still want more out of so many areas in my life?

Random Update

Well Matt and I have found a house to move to! It is great! It is in a good location where we are kind of centralized here in Denver. We will be right next to the interstate which makes things a lot easier and it is half way between my work and his work. Plus, the best part of the house is the backyard! I cannot believe we are finally going to have a backyard for the dogs! It is really big and it even has a little zen garden in the back I guess. It also has 3 beds, 2 living spaces, washer and dryer and a garage. The landlady is very laid back and cool, she even helps to partially furnish the house and it is with nice furniture. We are very excited and cannot wait.
I love to know that in the mornings I can just open the back door to let the dogs out and not have to worry about getting them leashed up and heading out down 3 flights of stairs and walking around with them. It is going to be so much better for them to have that space, plus there is already a doggy door, I am hoping that this is going to help out with some of their anxiety issues, more exercise is definitely something they need.
Well, we will be moving in the first or second of February and we have decided to suck up the cost and hire movers. We are going to pack it all but we want someone else to move it. The trip and process will be so much less stressful. Matt and I have opposite days off and weighing in the option of renting the truck and then Matt and his cousin moving all the big stuff...it is just so worth it to hire movers.
We are hoping to stay at this house until it is time to buy. And hopefully never go back to another apartment again! That is about it on the moving update, I will send my address out soon to those that want it.

Dog drama...again

Once again I find myself writing a blog about the struggles we have with a dog. It is frustrating and heart-breaking to know that we once again are having to write about problems, it makes me feel like a bad parent or person.

As most know we adopted another dog, Rocky, about 4 months ago. We have had a lot of struggles since we got him, but the last month has been the worst. For some reason he has decided to take up peeing in the house at random times. I think with me he pees because I may not be paying attention to him as much as he would like. I don't ignore him, but he has a very strong bond with me and follows me every where I go in the apt. When I pet Apollo or am doing something he pees. With Matt I think he is scared of him. Every time Matt tries to pet him or talk to him he pees. No matter what you do he won't stop. Although we are searching for help in yet another behaviorist, it is getting to be too frustrating on myself and Matt. I understand Rocky has anxiety but at the same time I don't know if we are ready to deal with another behavioral problem, especially one that ruins carpet and walls and clothing and whatever else you can throw in there. There have been many times during this week that I have wished we never got him and have really considered talking to the agency and seeing if they would take him back. I feel horrible for thinking about it, but I can't help myself. No matter what we do it never gets better. I just don't understand why our dogs can't be some-what "normal."

Right now Matt and I have so much going on and trying to deal with Rocky in the ways that we have learned with Apollo doesn't work. I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do.