Making a difference

In my internship I have a total of 4 clients. These girls have been through things and lived lives that I don't think I would ever survive. They have been in trouble, made bad decisions and some have some serious criminal records - including manslaughter. However, at the end of the day they are still children and some of the most amazing girls you could meet. I know it sounds crazy, but it is true.
I have a girl who has manslaughter from when she was age 12, actually her 12th birthday, and she is one of the most charming and friendly girl you could ever meet. However, somedays I leave there thinking, how do I find myself thinking this girl is charming? When she became one of my girls, it was the week that she brutally attacked a staff member. I was petrified, I didn't know what I should do and I was scared she would get upset with me in a session and black out and attack me. However, things turned out way different, and I am so happy about that. I have heard a lot of stories revolving anger and violence with her that at the end of the day, she has no remorse; and other days she has so many emotions I don't know what I should say. She is honestly one of my favorite girls to meet with her. She is open and willing to talk and she is pretty honest...it's refreshing in a way. She has some amazing goals in life, but her life has been hard and her anger gets in the way. I don't always understand her anger and its hard but its great that she is so open because it gives me a way to try and understand and help her understand. I constantly struggle with ways to help her with her anger, but I am starting to think that if I can help her focus on her goals and where she can pull her passion from maybe just maybe I can help her learn to re-direct her anger or just simply walk away.
My other girl that I love meeting with is a girl who self harms by biting her arms and swallowing things. The week she became my girl she swallowed white out and our first meeting was her talking about how she doesn't deserve to live or be happy and all she wants to do is die. She is only 15! She started out not going to school a lot because she was always physically managed from her self harm and acting out, and she was just struggling. There would be times that she would come around and then would "relapse" because of news that she heard or an emotion she couldn't handle. She also hears voices that tell her horrible things and so she does a lot of harm to herself to get rid of the voices. About a month ago she changed...she was making it to school every day, she was always happy and she wasn't self-harming. She went a full month with visits to other cottages, no self-harm, no acting out, and her mom was going to come out and see her because she had been doing so well. Then I came in for my hours yesterday... she had acted out with a peer and had self harmed and her level got dropped. When I went to see her in the time out room she told me she didn't deserve to be happy or receive any of the privledges she had that month she was doing so well. It broke my heart. She has an amazing heart, good sense of humor and she is just genuinely sweet. I have been able to make a connection with her on a level that some others haven't.
In fact, about a month ago she finally told me about some nightmares she had been having; she hadn't shared this with her therapist or anyone else. It was an amazing break-through...unfortunately it caused me to have the same nightmares because I wasn't doing self-care. We have worked for weeks on these nightmares and then I had a thought. When I was little I always slept with stuffed animals all over my bed because it made me feel safe. What if she had a stuffed animal? So on Wednesday, after I received approval, I brought her in a stuffed bear and told her that it is hers to sleep with. It will protect her and help her stay safe, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night and has a nightmare that bear will be there to protect her and talk to. Sometimes the best listener is the one that can't talk back. She was very excited and happy to recieve the bear...she even named it Amber. When I talked to her yesterday she told me that the nightmares have gotten better, she has been talking to her bear at night when she wakes up. And a couple weeks ago she told someone that one of her main supports was me. It felt so amazing to hear that. It makes me feel good to know that maybe I can do this, and that maybe I can make a small difference in someone's life.
These two girls have been the biggest eye opening experience for me. They have helped me learn so much about myself. I know that I can sit in a room with a girl and hear her talk about how she harmed herself and what it sounded like, or what she did to another person and not run out screaming or have a constant fear of meeting with them. I did have some doubt in the beginning and I still do...I am always wondering about if what I am saying or doing is the right thing, but at least I know that I can sit there and not be scared.