Last night after our dog training session we went over to Matt's parents for dinner. His mom, sister, Jose (sister's boyfriend), niece, nephews, brother and grandma were all there. We had tacos for dinner and I helped make the taco shells. At the end of our meal I began to help clean up the table and put away stuff and at one point I just stopped and really looked around and realized what I was apart of. Sure I am just a girlfriend but they make me feel like so much more. I really feel like I am apart of that family. I have Matt's nieces and nephews who just love me and I love them. They are so adorable and just at amazing ages and I love to be around them. His mother is so cute, she had a Lia Sophia party for me and was/is really trying to help me gain parties and she has all these great ideas...she is just so great and loving towards me. His sister calls me her sister and doesn't take offense when I say "no" or anything to her kids...it's like I am a sister and a family member. I just love being apart of it all. They are so close and loving and love to do things together, I just am amazed.
I am close really close with my Dad, my Uncle Jeff, my cousins and my grandma but unfortunately I am less close with my mother and my uncle Danny and our family as a whole is not as close as I would hope for sometimes. I love each individual relationship in its own.
I am so grateful for the closeness I have gained with my Uncle Jeff just over the time I have lived in Colorado. I have seen him go through so many different and challenging things the last couple years and he is just an amazing man and so laid back and no matter what he has always supported my happiness, whether it was the right decision or not and that means the world to me. Even when I was going through phases of boyfriends he was always okay with whoever I brought over to the house (or at least it seemed he was okay with it). He always told me, "as long as your happy, that's all that matters." The first time he told me that, I still remember to this day, and it meant the world to me. I couldn't be more grateful for him to be in my life. I wish I could talk with him more and see him. I wish I would have had my eyes opened and not had certain words from my childhood in the back of my head and that we could have began a close relationship while I lived there. But I am still so happy we have one now.
My relationship with my Dad is great! When I first decided to call him and tell him he had a daughter I was so afraid of what might happen, but he never had a second guess or hated me or anything. He took all the news with such a great attitude and willingness. I wish that I could see him every day or every week or anything but every other year! I am so grateful to have him in my life and although I can't see him as much as I want, I think about him every day and am so lucky to have him be a part of my life.
Over the years the relationship with my grandma has changed so much, although she can be a little "crazy" sometimes I can't help but love her. Her life has not always been perfect and her decisions may not have always been the best but she owns that and she lives her life with such a great attitude these days. I have been working on a lot in therapy and I think one of the things I realized is that my grandma has always been more like a mother to me, not that my mother isn't, but we have just always had a different connection. The one that I wish sometimes my mother and I had. The day my grandma leaves us will be one of the hardest days I will ever have I think.
As far as my cousins go, I am close with each one of them individually and I wish I could be there to support them and help them in whatever they need in life. Unfortunately I can't be there and help with everything they want or I want, but I am so proud of them. They have all become such wonderful young women and although they still have so many great years ahead of them...they really are great. I feel like they are my sisters sometimes and I wish we were closer.
I am not sure what spurred this but I feel it is important that I express in any way I can how I feel about things because I think in writing is the only time I can be me. I sometimes feel I can't be soft, romantic or emotional. People expect me to be hard, sarcastic and "Amber" so in writing I can be who I want whether people are reading it or not.
2 comments:
Since I don't know what you refer to as "AMBER"...I only know you as the soft loveable girl I am growing to love as a friend. I am really glad you wrote this blog. As we are trying to get to know each other better its helping me understand you and I love how you can just write and it makes total sense. YOur such a good writer. I loved hearing how you feel like your a part of a big family. When I was around Josh in the beginning it was hard when I was with his family because I wasn't Josh's X...but then people have really warmed up to me and we dated from 95-2001 and then got married...So, I had alot of time of just being the girlfriend. So, I know what you mean. I am glad you have these cherished friendships and relationships with family. I hope you tell them (even if in a letter) how much you care about them. You never know when something might happen. Sorry to be morbid. As to your mother - I don't really recall everything you have told me. But I will pray for you Amber. Oh and brace yourself - if you are as close as you are with your grandma - it will be very hard when she does pass away. My best friend was my grandma...and I cry every night practically for her and its been since about January of 2003....5-6 years. I keep a basket of her hairbrush and little things like one of her shirts and sometimes I go through it and smell everything....I am sorry to be morbid again. I am just wanting you to know that it will be hard but you will get through everything in life. No matter how tough.
Thank you so much for your comments Carrie, I really appreciate them. I know that my Dad reads my blogs and that he saw my comments and I texted my Uncle Jeff so he would read his because it is important to me and it is easier for me when it is writing. It is so hard to get all you need to say out verbally sometimes. I will be writing you another email soon!
Post a Comment