I am struggling to find an outlet for all the things I need to say and all the things that I feel. Even on here I feel as though I can't fully release everything that I want to but yet, I feel I need to say something before I explode with overwhelming emotions.
I have not been able to see my therapist in over a month and I can't believe how much I need that time. That time is a great outlet for me to discuss whatever I am feeling and not be judged on what I have to say. Sometimes I wonder how I made it this far without having that person on my side.
I find myself being confused and hurt by so many things in life, but at the same time I am happy about where I am in life. I have come a long way and have learned a lot of things and I would never change any of that, however, I struggle to find a balance and worse, I struggle to find friendship and trust.
Many of my previous blogs have been about the loss of friendship. I know that in life we sometimes have to say goodbye to people and lose friends that we never thought we'd lose, but I still can't accept it. In Wisconsin there were so many people I thought were my close friends, best friends, but then almost three years later I find out that I was wrong. How could that be? It is so confusing. I dropped everything to be there for people, I have amazing memories to last a lifetime and yet it seems like none of that matters. I look at my life now and my circle of friends...and my circle from Wisconsin has diminished significantly. The people who I thought would always be there are no longer there. I don't know about the exciting changes in their life unless I look at Facebook statuses and it appears that they don't care about my changes in life or what I am doing because I never see a comment on my status or my page just even saying hi. I also find it so amazing that when I use Facebook for an outlet for my emotions or anger, the people that respond or comment are the people I never would have thought would, and the people who I thought would always respond, don't even seem to care.
I'm trying to learn to say goodbye and move on and realize this is a part of life, but it hurts to know that when I think about visiting La Crosse, the thought makes me sick to my stomach because I don't even want to go back...ever. I would prefer my family to come to me so I never have to return. How sad is that? How do I even deal with that? Some of my "friends" from La Crosse I am okay with just staying social friends, if you will, where I talk to them occasionally and if I go back I will see them at the bar or plan a dinner or whatever...but there is one person who I have drifted so far apart from that I just can't even stand it. It's not that my other friends are less important, it's just that this one person was so important to me...and when I left it felt the same, but now that time has moved on it seems I am no longer important, despite the effort I make in trying to stay in contact with them. I know this is something I have to go through and experience, but I have such a hard time with it. When I try and confront anyone with how we have lost touch...the comments are dealing with being busy, working, etc. I don't accept these excuses. We have Facebook, cell phones, text messaging, emails...no matter what you are doing in a day there should be time once every couple months to find time to text or write on a Facebook wall...even if it is just a hello. I see other Facebook posts all the time... is it my distance that makes me able to be forgotten about? Is it because I defied all odds and never moved back like everyone betted on? No one believed I would move, no one believed I would stay...well I did and although I am hurting from losing people in my life...I still couldn't be happier with my decision. I took a chance that many aren't willing to take, especially from La Crosse, and I made it real and although times have been hard I have never looked back.
I don't mean to ramble on I just can't believe how little I mean to someone...someone who I thought was a best friend, someone who I thought would always be there for me. I went through some of my toughest times this year and they weren't there...it appeared they didn't even care. I am going to try and move on, but I can't promise this will be the last blog I have about losing friends because I can't process what is happening. Unfortunately, I need to say goodbye and they will never know...would they even care?
2 comments:
Your alot younger than me and you are realizing this at the same time I am. This last year has been so hard for me. I will tell you in private some of the people I have lost as friends and ask me about my wedding sometime. I too, have moved away from La Crosse and I feel I am too close. The only reason I go back there is cause of my sisters and my mom and dad....My brother doesn't even want anything to really do with me unless he wants something. Some of the people I cared about the most and I thought they were my best friends - couldn't give a crap about me now. I feel the same way about facebook. And my friends circle has gone down to just like 2 or 3 people. I use to have this group of friends and no one cares about me anymore. Its rare if anyone tells me anything. I don't know why its happening either - I think its just a part of life. I got hit hard this year but a few people and I have had to block them from facebook so I don't have to see them online talking to other people - cause it hurts me....I can't be special enough to be a part of their life? You know what I mean?? Why are others ok to stay in touch with the same but not me?? I totally get you with this blog and keep writing about it. I think your a highly sensitive person like me. There is a book called the Highly Sensitive Person...It helped me alot...and I also think back to the Rocky movies. You may not like them...but I love how Adrianne always said "You can't give them your heart Rocky"...You can't make them care...You just have to move on. It makes me wonder why no one ever prepared us for getting older and what we would go through in our later 20's and early 30's...especially those of us with no kids. Maybe its easier when you have a family? And you don't mind the distance so much? I don't know. But I struggle with this too....Your not alone....
Thanks Carrie...you always know what to say :) I am desperately trying to work through it and I know that I am, everyday I accept a small portion of reality when it comes to friendships. My therapy is helping with it too, I haven't been able to go in over a month but I am going on Wednesday - NO EXCUSES! ;) Thanks for being willing to be there for me and always caring about how I am feeling. It means a lot. I am so sorry that you have had to struggle with this as well, it is so tough.
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